5/16/24

Things you can control:

Your beliefs

Your attitudes

Your thoughts

Your perspective

How honest you are

Who your friends are

What books you read

How often you exercise

How many risks you take

How kind you are to others

How you interpret situations

How kind you are to yourself

How often you say “I love you”

How often you say “thank you”

How you express your feelings

Whether or not you ask for help

How often you practice gratitude

How many times you smile today

The amount of effort you put forth

How much time you spend worrying

Whether or not you judge other people

Whether or not you try again after a setback

How much you appreciate the things you have

Caleb LP Gunners, poet

5/15/24

Heavy

by Mary Oliver

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Surely God

had his hand in this,

as well as friends.

Still, I was bent,

and my laughter,

as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel,

(brave even among lions),

“It’s not the weight you carry

but how you carry it–

books, bricks, grief–

it’s all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,

put it down.”

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

How I linger

to admire, admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind, and maybe

also troubled –

roses in the wind,

the sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?

5/14/24

'“In the end, people will judge you anyway. So don’t live your life impressing others. Live your life impressing yourself.”

Eunice Camacho Infante

I’ve been trying to live this way, as suggested by Eunice, and I’ve come to learn a few lessons along the way:

• Time goes fast - even faster as you age. I learned to ask myself, “What are you waiting for?”

• Putting your art out in the world is a brave thing to do. It takes courage to say what moves you, what is important to you and why.

• Stay true to your intention to simply share your art and who you are. That’s what art is for - sharing. You open the door for others to do the same by doing it.

• Sometimes in the sharing, you find the love of it returned to you - full circle - and there’s nothing better than that.

I know first hand how sharing music with my kids has come back to me in the most rewarding, beautiful ways. I’m still living on a lovely natural high from having received the gift of a recording I did which my son, Patrick Meese, produced, and my son Nate Meese, managed post production. It’s amazing, made all the more so by knowing that Patrick did the harmonies and played bass on it as well. My cup is full from the deep awareness I have that my singing is a genuine part of me and something I do not to impress anyone but to share with others for the pure joy of it. And guess who I ended up impressing? Me. What a gift! Thank you, my dear sons -

Ma ❤️

5/13/24

Morning Hopes

I hope to have many more days ahead

But if I don’t

I hope I’ve done enough to make things better for the one’s I love and to ease the weight of the yokes I've surely placed on them

out of ignorance

out of spite

in moments when I was out of my head

I hope for my children that the connection we’ve made is enough to keep me alive in their minds when I’m gone

through shared stories

the humor we’ve shared

and the love we’ve known

I hope to live out my days in the surety of a comforting Spirit of the Universe

with the knowledge that I am not alone and I am loved

so that once again when doubt and confusion come round again

(as they surely will)

and I am caught in the fears and uncertainty that a day can bring,

I hope that the wisdom I’ve gained over my life will bring me back

to the flow of the tributary of understanding

and the river of forgiveness

with the music of moving water

heading me towards home

with my people waiting to welcome me there

to live out days of fun and curiosity together

recalling the good times

with anger and fear no where to be found

just gone

like the lifting mist of this morning -

effortless

Anne

5/12/24

“The lion never loses sleep over the opinions of the sheep.”

Unknown

Roar on, my fellow lionesses! Happy Mother’s Day to all moms who have a mamma lion in their hearts, no matter who or what they are mothering today! May you know your power!

Anne ❤️

5/11/24

About Forgiveness

The person may not deserve to be forgiven, but you don’t deserve to be their victim forever. They don’t deserve to take up your valuable time. They don’t deserve to be given so much power. Be careful with your power - it is precious.

Anne

5/9/24

Yesterday was my son’s birthday and all day I had such a warm, loving feeling about him and our family. I’m so grateful for what being his mother gave me as a growing, evolving person when I was raising him, but today there’s something more. I’m grateful to know the person he has become. He’s so creative - I often just sit in wonder at his journey as a musician. The best part, though, is seeing his kindness and willingness to share himself with others and to experience it myself. Yes, he’s a wonder, and I get to be his mom. Pure gift.

Love you, son - ma

5/7/24

“If you practice it long enough, the way towards goodness will take over when you’re having a problem - the process takes over and things become clearer. Never stop practicing goodness and kindness towards others, but also towards yourself. You need kindness, too.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

5/4/24

Today I will miss the memorial service in Denver at the York St. AA Club for my friend, Nathan Pollack - a recovering alcoholic, physician, husband, father and dear friend to countless others. He took the time to read my writing and give me feedback about it. I trusted him to be honest, kind and supportive and he was - always. He also loved to hear me sing. In fact, the last time we spoke, about a month ago by phone, he asked me to sing one of his favorite songs to him. I did - he loved the song, “Twisted,” by Annie Ross, an old jazz singer and composer. We had such a good time…The last thing he told me was to kiss Jeff and the kids for him.

If there is a heaven, he’s there with his quirky, bright and loving personality, sitting with Angela, his dear wife - finally reunited. He missed her every hour, every day.

I’m sending up thanks for Nathan in my life and the example of what a loving recovery is like. He lived a life of on-going reflection and dedication to the principles of AA. I’m honored that he shared his life with me.

Rest in peace, my brother. I miss you not being in the world. Thank you for being you.

Love,

Anne

5/1/24

“It is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.”

Mary Oliver, poet

4/30/24

Mercy

A song by Mose Allison

I don't believe the things I'm seein'

I've been wonderin' 'bout some things I've heard

Everybody's crying mercy

When they don't know the meaning of the word

A bad enough situation

Is sure enough getting worse

Everybody's crying justice

Just as soon as there's business first

Toe to toe, touch and go

Give a cheer and get your own souvenir

Well you know the people running round in circles

Don't know what they're headed for

Everybody's crying peace on earth

Just as soon as we win this war

Straight ahead, gotta knock em dead

So pack your kit, choose your own hypocrite

You don't have to go to off-Broadway

To see something plain absurd

Everybody's crying mercy

When they don't know the meaning of the word

Nobody knows the meaning of the word

4/28/24

“I can use my emotions like a drink.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

4/24/24

“I create the illusion of fear myself.”

From Daily Reflections, 4/18/24

I’ve always found it interesting how the feeling of fear can seep into my day and color what’s happening. On reflection, I’ve come to understand that there is no resolution of what my fears might be by minimizing or dismissing them as unimportant. That only makes whatever is going on worse over time, like a stone in my shoe might slowly hurt more and more until it finally gets my attention to be removed.

By facing the fear I may be experiencing about something - all the way through to the tears and anger and whatever else goes with it - I’ve come to understand the limitations that living with unresolved fears has put on my life. People I wish I’d talked to, endeavors I wish I’d pursued, places I wish I’d gone…all of those things I held myself back from doing because of the unwarranted illusion of unresolved fear.

Thoughts such as these seem to come back to all of us from time to time. They can be painful, too - sometimes downright depressing, but because I like to learn about life and live in peace, I’ve come to see them as an opportunity for inner healing. I’ll try to explain it here.

The metaphor I use to describe how my brain works is that of an “itty bitty !@$tty committee” in my head which, in short, constitutes my self-talk. We’ve all got self-talk, and the use of this committee is the metaphor that works best for me in understanding myself. The “members” of this group include representatives of my thoughts and feelings, from anxiety to happiness - the whole bunch. There’s also a couple of “me’s” - Anne’s - at different ages.

Listening to how my self-talk is going throughout the day in brief moments of awareness or in meditation is important to how well or how poorly I handle life on life’s terms. The @#$tty committee is often negative, so challenging and adjusting my thinking in a spot check inventory may be necessary. I’ve learned how to turn down the volume on the negativity and replace it with more realistic, encouraging messages.

One day, I found while listening to my self talk in meditation, however, I realized that I hadn’t heard from my inner child - my 5 year old Anne, for a long, long time. So, I decided to turn my attention to and listen to that young part of me, and when I did, seeing her among the other committee members, I found the most profound sense of soothing and natural reassurance come from my heart in feelings and words that I would have shared with my kids or any small child who needed attention. It was beautiful. Just to acknowledge that I still had old (young?) thoughts, ideas and feelings that needed tending to came from a deep tap root of wisdom and understanding that I’m grateful for to this day.

What I realized from this gift to myself from myself was that the fears I’d been having about a recent issue in my life which I still hadn’t fully faced were consuming me, unresolved, and in meditation I had been brought to a point of understanding where if a child had been asked to deal with the adult issues surrounding the situation I faced, they would have been overwhelmed and frightened - frozen, in fact. And that’s exactly what I had been doing to that unacknowledged inner part of me, and that’s exactly where the source of my unresolved fears was coming from - a child. Me. The fears I had were unresolved on a deep level because I had not addressed that part of me that was incapable of handling them. The child within. Me.

So, I started making this connection with my inner child as part of a regular meditation practice and it’s made a big difference in my peace of mind and spiritual life. I see that I was able to match the practical (always a drive of mine) with the psychology of healing. Finding a way to logically understand the illogical workings of my mind and exploring it with the unconditional love of a parent has made all the difference.

I hope this helps you with unresolved fears you may be carrying around today, my friend. After all, they’re just an illusion we create on our own.

Peace,

Anne

4/22/24

Please grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I always do my best, and the wisdom to know that I’m a good person with kind heart.

From contemplativemonk.com

4/21/24

“If you had my life today, you wouldn’t WANT to drink, it’s so damn good.”

Heard at coffee with friends

4/19/24

You Belong to the World

by Carrie Fountain

Published in the New Yorker Magazine

print edition of the February 12 & 19, 2024, issue.

You Belong to the World…

as do your children, as does your husband.
It’s strange even now to understand that
you are a mother and a wife, that these gifts
were given to you and that you received them,
fond as you’ve always been of declining
invitations. You belong to the world. The hands
that put a peach tree into the earth exactly
where the last one died in the freeze belong
to the world and will someday feed it again,
differently, your body will become food again
for something, just as it did so humorously
when you became a mother, hungry beings
clamoring at your breast, born as they’d been
with the bodily passion for survival that is
our kind’s one common feature. You belong
to the world, animal. Deal with it. Even as
the great abstractions come to take you away,
the regrets, the distractions, you can at any second
come back to the world to which you belong,
the world you never left, won’t ever leave, cells
forever, forever going through their changes,
as they have been since you were less than
anything, simple information born inside
your own mother’s newborn body, itself made
from the stuff your grandmother carried within hers
when at twelve she packed her belongings
and left the Scottish island she’d known—all
she’d ever known—on a ship bound for Ellis Island,
carrying within her your mother, you, the great
human future that dwells now inside the bodies
of your children, the young, who, like you,
belong to the world.

4/18/24

Do you have a one-to-one relationship with your HP? How’s it going these days?

Like a friend of mine shard, I have a great and abiding faith in God…that comes and goes. I’ve had a long time to understand this relationship and I’ve come to sense a rhythm to it that’s a lot like what happens with a chid and parent. I believe the hardest thing about parenting is not knowing what you’re supposed to teach them or what you’re supposed to let life teach them. And I think that’s a lot of what I’ve learned about the give and take with my HP - the rhythm of how it works in my life today.

For example, when I’m spiritually fit and in a good spot with my prayer and meditation, issues roll off my back much easier. I don’t take things so personally. I don’t feel alone. I feel a part of something bigger than me and life is good.

But let me get out there in life with people, places and things when I’m holding the reigns and begin to feel “I have this,” or that I have to do things alone and it’s sure to happen that a new lesson or “opportunity for growth” as my good friend used to call them, will occur. I’ve come to see them as the times that HP lets me learn the lesson on my own, making mistakes (sometimes the same ones), hurting myself or someone else, etc.

And here’s the coolest thing about the way I look at this relationship: I believe it’s designed that way. This one-to-one give and take I have with HP is designed for me to get out there and get into twists and trouble and have issues with people so that I WILL return to the spiritual table where I get fed, the place of humility where I can sit with HP in quiet, renewed in a personal, loving way, readying me for the next right thing, the next day, the next chance to live a good, full life.

So, these days, my relationship with God is that we have a thing that works. A process. A way out of the chaos that can be in my head and my heart at times. And the whole thing is way easier because I don’t alter my mood or my mind with drugs and alcohol. Because of that, it has a chance to keep evolving, and as long as I’m doing that I’m living my best life - the best gift of all.

Thanks, C. ❤️

4/16/24

What characteristics does my God/HP have?

My HP is active in my life in the following ways:

Feelings of:

calm

a part of something greater than me

never being alone

patience and pause to wait things out

Thoughts that:

I don’t have to understand everything to accept it

Trusting that I will be able to handle whatever comes along

I am forgiven

I have a second chance

I am grateful for everything I have

I am grateful for the people in my life

Actions:

Being aware of the gift of a new day

Renewing my daily rededication to have a good life

Doing a kind gesture for someone else

Anne

4/15/24

What is God-consciousness to you?

To me it’s two things. It’s that power for good in the Universe that connects the dots like I can’t - like I have no control over. From, say, 1,000 ft. up.

And it’s an inner gut thing - my soul, my intuition that already has wisdom built right in to who I am, evolved in my heart, head and gut with the help of a Creator that loves us all - no matter what.

To be MORE God-conscious is what I want. To be able to get past my self- pity, guilt and blocks that can come around in my day and block my way forward. Those members of the “itty, bitty, !@#tty committee” can back again and need to be challenged each time they do.

I guess to be more God-conscious is simply to be more reliant on HP. These days that means that each night at bedtime, I’m working on trying to surrender the entire day that I was given - my mood, my actions, my interactions with other people, my choices, etc. - to the Creator who knows me best…who I believe can change things with the promise a new day tomorrow - 24 at a time.

Anne

4/14/24

Three good questions I received from a good friend about God. I’m going to tackle them this week. I’ll share here what I find. I hope you explore them, too.

1) What does God-consciousness mean to you?

2) What characteristics does your God (HP, Creator, Universe, whatever you want to call God) have?

3) Do you have a one-to-one relationship with your HP? How’s it going these days?

Take good care today,

Anne

4/13/24

“At night, I surrender the day I just lived to God. I give it all to HP.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

4/9/24

“Whenever I drank, I was never in the present. I was either in the past somewhere in my head or I was worrying about the future in paranoia.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

4/7/24

“Beauty surrounds us, but usually we need to be walking in a garden to know it.”

Unknown

4/4/24

“I didn’t know what to do with my anger so I drank.”

Heard at coffee with friends…

4/2/24

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. They all make me laugh.”

W.H. Auden, poet

3/29/24

“No one heals themselves by hurting another.”

Courage to Change

3/28/24

“The desire to know your own soul will end all other desires.”

Rumi

3/27/24

“In recovery I found the freedom I was always seeking, but it was in the opposite place I thought I’d find it. I found it in structure and routine. The freedom to be me came from there.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

3/25/24

“Recovery does not mean I need to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again.”

From Courage to Change

3/22/24

“Success and failure share a common denominator ... Both are temporary.”

From: “Win Or Lose”, Emotional Sobriety: The Next Frontier

3/21/24

“If you can’t meditate for 5 minutes, do it for 10.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

3/19/24

“Everyone has to do their own growing.”

Heard at Coffee with Friends

3/18/24

Self-Sabotage looks like:

Rejecting praise and compliments

Not asking for help

Pushing people away when they start to get close

Opening up and attaching to others prematurely

Refusing to do something unless you can do it perfectly

Procrastinating on important projects

Putting everyone else’s needs before your own

Constantly criticizing yourself

Isolating when you are hurting

Dr Heidi Green

3/17/24

A prayer attributed to St. Pat:

God be before me

God be above me

God be to my left

God be to my right

God be in my head

and

God be in my heart

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

3/16/24

“Spiritual people tell the truth.”

Heard at coffee with friends

3/15/24

“If you love to read, or to learn how to love reading, you will have an amazing life. Period. Life will always have hardships, pressure, and incredibly annoying people, but books will make it all worthwhile. In books you will find your North Star, and you will find you, which is why you're here.”

Anne Lamott

3/14/24

“Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a great battle.”

Philo, ancient Egyptian philosopher

3/13/24

My prayer this morning,

May all the people I know or have known find peace

May all the people in the news find peace

May all the people who are my enemies find peace

May all the homeless find peace

May all the lost children find peace

May all the lonely find peace

May they all find peace

3/11/24

We’ve had the best company this past week - family. And I received a “full-circle” gift when they were here.

One of my sons brought his portable studio equipment and recorded me singing one of my favorite songs, “Someone Who Loves Me,” by Sarah Bareilles, accompanied by my good friend who is an amazing guitar player. It came out really well and he’s going to take it back to his studio to produce it a bit more. I can’t wait to hear the finished product!

And here’s the full circle part.

I gave up singing professionally a long time ago while in the thick of motherhood and family life - and very gladly. Those have been my most fulfilling pursuits in life for sure.

But if you’ve ever been a performer, there’s something about it that reaches a deep, deep part of you and plucks a heart string that is so satisfying and nurturing it’s hard to describe. To share my creative side has always been a drive that’s never left me.

So, to have my child give me the chance to perform, in a way (through recording), once again completes the circle I didn’t even know I was a part of - didn’t know I was following. And to be able to watch him at work and listen to him craft the song is all icing on the cake.

This feels a lot like when I finished my book. Settled. Fulfilled, knowing I put good work out there in the Universe and that my son, a musician, is the one who orchestrated it.

Thanks, Universe. Thank you Higher Power for connecting those dots.

Anne

3/2/24

Delay

Delay does not mean denial, I heard recently, and I like that. I’ve let that message float around me for a few days and I’ve found much truth in it.

Getting older and wiser about life and how I fit into it has taught me that my drive for a quick fix to things is often just a waste of time and energy. The Universe has a way of working things out that when I get out of the way has a much better outcome than I could have come up with.

It’s also a reminder to me that there’s a lot of gray in the world - things aren’t as black and white as I like them to be. When things are in the gray - with no decision and no clarity - it doesn’t mean that whatever I’m dealing with is over. It simply can mean: not yet, be patient, dots are still connecting, continue, be aware…

So, today I will continue to stop, look and listen - this day only - for whatever it is the Universe is showing me, and I can trust that whatever lesson I need to learn will be right on time.

Thanks, Universe.

Anne

2/29/24

“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so lovingly. However, the wisest thing you can do, however, is be in the present, gratefully.

Maya Angelou

2/28/24

Thank you, thank you, friends for your support and purchase of my book. I am overwhelmed and so grateful.

Anne

2/24/24

We are stars wrapped in skin.

The light you are seeking has always been within.

Rumi

2/23/24

I woke up today. I’m blessed. I’m alive. Thanks, HP.

2/22/24

“The best thing I ever did to handle my fears was to stop drinking.”

Heard at Coffee With Friends

2/15/24

Be the person who breaks the cycle.

If you were judged, choose understanding.

If you were rejected, choose acceptance.

If you were ashamed, choose compassion.

Be the person you needed when you were hurting,

not the person who hurt you.

Vow to be better than what broke you -

to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act

from your heart, not your pain.

The Contemplative Monk

2/13/24

Grieving can be like wandering through a forest of memories with each tree telling a story

or It can be like running through a bed of coals with my hair on fire.

I’ll take the forest path today and

remember what Tolkien said: “Not all who wander are lost.”

It is curiosity that pulls me forward today

looking for the clearing I trust is just ahead,

the light.

Anne

2/12/24

The most beautiful thing in the world is, of course, the world itself.

Wallace Stevens

2/11/24

Forgive anyone who caused you pain or harm.

Keep in mind forgiveness is not for others. It

is for you. Forgiving is not forgetting. It is

remembering without anger. It frees up your

power, heals your body, mind and spirit.

Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new

place of peace, where you can persist

despite what happened to you.

Josh Sun Hunter

2/9/24

Hello Friends -

What an exciting time! My book, “My Life According to the Alphabet,” is now available as an ebook and in print on Amazon. It’s also available on this website and Apple Books as an ebook.

Thank you for your support, with special thanks to Jeff and son Nate. I couldn’t have done it without you!

Anne

2/8/24

“Have faith in what will be. In the end, only 3 things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

Eamon Grennan

2/7/24

“3am is the hour writers, painters, musicians, poets, silence seekers, over-thinkers and creative people. We know who you are. We can see your light on. Keep on going.”

From the website, The Writing Room

I will.

2/6/24

Spiritual Awakenings

“I am learning, when looking for signs of spiritual awakening in myself, to look, not for bright lights or emotional upheavals ... but for sobriety, stability, responsibility, meaning, satisfaction, joy. These are the marks of the beginning of spiritual awakening.”

May 1967, From: “AA’s Steps Lead to – Spiritual Awakening”, Spiritual Awakenings

2/3/24

A Short Testament

Whatever harm I may have done

In all my life in all your wide creation

If I cannot repair it

I beg you to repair it,

And then there are all the wounded

The poor the deaf the lonely and the old

Whom I have roughly dismissed

As if I was not one of them.

Where I have wronged them by it

And cannot make amends

I ask you

To comfort them to overflowing,

And where there are lives I may have withered around me,

Or lives of strangers far or near

That I’ve destroyed in blind complicity,

And if I cannot find them,

Remember them. I beg you to remember them

When winter is over

And all your unimaginable promises

Burst into song on death’s bare branches

Anne Porter

1/31/24

Thanks, Robert Frost

Do you have hope for the future?

someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.

Yes, and even for the past, he replied,

that it will turn out to have been all right

for what it was, something we can accept,

mistakes made by the selves we had to be,

not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,

or what looking back half the time it seems

we could so easily have been or ought…

The future, yes, and even for the past,

that it will become something we can bear.

And so I hope my children

will recall as not too heavy the tug

of those albatrosses I sadly placed

upon their tender news.

Hope for the past,

yes, old Frost, your words provide that courage,

and it brings strange peace that itself passes

into past, easier to bear because

you said it, rather casually, as snow

went on flying in Vermont years ago.

David Ray

(printed from The Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor)

1/29/24

Well, it’s finally here - “My Life According to the Alphabet” is available as an e-Book from this site as of today! I’m so incredibly grateful for all of the help I had in getting it ready for publication, especially from Jeff and Nate. Thank you!

I’m so full of gratitude for having the time and energy to complete this project. I can’t explain how great it feels. it is relief. It's fulfillment. It’s joy!

I hope you find it inspiring and helpful to on your own journey!

With much appreciation,

Anne

1/25/24

“Our duty as men and women is to proceed as if limits to our ability do not exist. We are collaborators in creation. We are one, after all, you and I, together we suffer, together exist and forever will recreate each other. Remain true to yourself, but move ever upward toward greater consciousness and greater love.”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

1/22/24

Today is my birthday and I’m 70 years old - kind of unbelievable to me. I know it’s a number that doesn’t tell much other than I’ve been around a long time. It doesn’t tell about who I am or what experiences I’ve lived during this time. Not to other people. To me, though, it has a bit of surprise to it because I didn’t know that at 70 I’d feel this good - body, mind and spirit. Gosh, I’m grateful to be here and mindful of the beautiful life around me, especially the people I love.

My husband and I were watching a documentary the other night where a community of people in Asia have an eating ritual that prompts them to eat until they reach 80% fullness. They pray together before the meal to be mindful of their fulness throughout the meal. We’ve been using that since watching the movie and it’s been fun and educational. It’s made me more aware of the over indulging I have a tendency to do.

Well, using that scale this evening, I have to say I’m at 100% full of the goodness in my life and I didn’t have to over-do anything to get there. All I had to do was pause and take in the love of family, the love of friendship, of recovery and the love available to me in all that surrounds me. I just had to stop and breathe for a while and let it wash over me…and it was the best gift of all. Love.

1/10/24

Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard.

Choose your hard

Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard

Choose your hard.

Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard.

Choose your hard.

Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard.

Choose your hard.

Life will never be easy. It will always be hard.

Choose your hard.

Pick Wisely.

by Derek Moneyberg

1/7/24

“Not picking up a drink creates infinite possibilities for me ... Who knows? This could be the greatest day of my life.” 

New York, N.Y., January 2006, “Attitude Adjustment”, Beginner’s Book

1/5/24

Well, I’ve been waiting a long time to write this and I wanted to share it here first - I’ve finished my book.

I’m still taking it in - the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Thank you for the support, friends.

It will be available through this website soon. Announcement coming soon!

12/27/23

Hello, friends. The following is a poem from my upcoming book which will hopefully be out by the end of January. I hope it strikes a chord with you.

Because of The Nature of Things

I’m here…

Because my father’s family left Scotland

Because my mother’s family left Ireland and France

Because they all finally settled in Cleveland, Ohio, looking for opportunity

Because they were hard workers

Because they stuck together and helped each other out

Because my grandfather, Joseph, fought and survived the horrors of WWI in l918

Because he married an Irish girl, my grandmother, Ethel, in l921, and they had four children

Because in l937, Ethel died a month after her dear mother, Cora, leaving the four kids with their father, Joseph, who couldn’t be counted on

Because my mother, Marge, at 15, the oldest of the four, had the courage to ask her aunt and uncle if they could live with them

Because they said yes, and brought them to their home

Because they stuck together despite the Great Depression

Because my parents met at a work party

Because my mother was an Irish beauty and a good dancer

Because my father was a handsome Scot and enjoyed dancing, too

Because WWII started in Europe in 1939

Because the US was bombed at Pearl Harbor in 1941

Because my father enlisted in the US Army in 1943

Because he had one last leave in North Carolina before he went to the fight

Because my mother met up with him there and they married

Because she waited for him to come home

Because the US won the war and he was discharged in 1946

Because everyone was told that now they could have the American dream

Because my father came back from the war a different man - angry and out of his head with drink sometimes

Because my mother had first hand knowledge from her mother about how to stay with a man like that

Because my mother had no money of her own

Because she feared for her children

Because divorce was a dirty word in the Catholic Church

Because she knew how to make the best of things

Because she would never abandon us

Because she went back to work to keep us together

Because he was getting worse

Because I wanted to escape

Because I needed to make a life of my own and make my own mistakes

Because my first choice of who to love was a painful one

Because I knew how to sing my pain away

Because I loved Jeff and he loved me back

Because we were two beautiful boys by our lucky stars

Because I was theirs and they were mine

Because I knew how to stick together

Because I finished college

Because I learned about alcoholism and mental health disorders

Because I learned about my own alcoholism

Because I learned about recovery

Because I learned about the power for good in the Universe

Because things change over time

Because people change

Because of those two souls

Because love doesn’t always look like love

Because of the nature of things

12/21/23

“The best way out is always through.”

Robert Frost

12/20/23

Feelings

Over time, I’ve come to understand that whatever I’m my feeling is information I need in order to be in sync with my body, mind and spirit. It’s not information to be feared or avoided, bound to, caressed, enhanced or minimized. Feelings aren’t the truth. They’re not reason. They’re not predictions. They’re natural chemical reactions that occur within the body as they’re triggered by memory and experience, and they’re as complex as anything I’ve ever encountered within myself or as expressed by others.

Today, I find that peace of mind lies in my commitment to “feel my feelings,” all the way through, letting them inform me about my inner life as they need to and then allowing them to pass by, up and out of the moment. They’re not from some elusive wisdom of ages past I once believed I was supposed to hold onto and ponder over and over again. Not so. Not today, because today I can let them go.

For information about emotions and feelings, go the American Psychological Association (APA) at https://www.apa.org.

12/17/23

“Sometimes you get what you want. Other times, you get a lesson in patience, timing, alignment, empathy, compassion, faith, perseverance, resilience, humility, trust, meaning, awareness, resistance, purpose, clarity, grief, beauty, and life. Either way, you win.”

Brianna Weist

12/11/23

Feelings

Over time, I’ve come to understand that whatever I’m my feeling is information I need in order to be in sync with my body, mind and spirit. It’s not information to be feared or avoided, bound to, caressed, enhanced or minimized. Feelings aren’t the truth. They’re not reason. They’re not predictions. They’re natural chemical reactions that occur within the body as they’re triggered by memory and experience, and they’re as complex as anything I’ve ever encountered within myself or as expressed by others.

Today, I find that peace of mind lies in my commitment to “feel my feelings,” all the way thought, letting them inform me about my inner life as they need to and then allowing them to pass by, up and out of the moment, detaching myself from them and the belief that they’re from some some elusive wisdom from ages past that I’m supposed to hold onto. Not so. Not today because today I can let them go.

For information about emotions and feelings, go the American Psychological Association (APA) at https://www.apa.org.

12/7/23

Gratitude

Gratitude found me one day by surprise

sitting in a chair

looking at a picture of you,

so effortless and warm it came

like the gulf shore waters in summer

clear and calm

after such a storm

Anne Meese

12/1/23

“To know yourself is not done just by reviewing your ‘misdeeds’; they are not you ... Your doubts, fears, and apprehensions, your immature cravings, your self-indulgence ... they are all committed by your physical body, guided by false instincts and imagination, instead of by your real self, which is the soul – the spirit within. That is where your conscience is, and your wisdom and your strength – which no one can hurt but you.” 

New York, N.Y., November 1946, “Sobriety for Ourselves”, Thank You for Sharing: Sixty Years of Letters to the Grapevine

11/28/23

In the blue light hours

when evening yawns

and streets grow quiet

there’s room to breathe

and dream once again

of starts behind the clouds

Bob Martin

I feel like I’m dreaming these days after a wonderful visit to see our sons in CA. I got to take away some amazing memories that do seem like a dream, and just like Bob Martin expresses, a few are from the blue light hours in a yawning evening…thanks, Universe. I feel connected to my intuition with a reassurance that all is well, despite the negative, frightening clamor that exists among some people. All is well right now and right now is all we have. It is well because I know I will be able to handle whatever comes along. I know myself. I know who I am, and for that I’m so grateful.

11/14/23

“Good writing is always about things that are important to you, things that are scary to you, things that eat you up.” —John Edgar Wideman

…I guess that’s why I am still working on my memoir today. Today I get to continue with my first edit in quiet time while visiting with our sons in LA, but it does not escape me that writing about my life is about, as Wideman says, things that are important, scary and that have eaten me up over my life. I don’t know if anyone will ever read it - even my own family who is at the heart of it. I do know that for whatever reason, I have to put it out there in the world and see what happens - like all art, like all brave people, like creative souls willing to share themselves. Like me.

11/12/23

We’ve been traveling out west on a much anticipated trip to visit family. I had an encounter at the airport with a stranger I think is worth sharing here. It was disturbing and enlightening.

While waiting with a large crowd of people to board our plane after a stop over in Atlanta, a man I’d say was about 30-35 years old stood next to me and randomly said, “I’m so buzzed right now I don’t know what’s going on,” referring to the flight info that hadn’t been updated on the gate sign yet. I explained that it would be updated shortly and from that exchange, he must have thought I was a person he could to talk, so he asked where we were from. When I said Naples, Florida, he said, “Ahh, where the libtards from the North go to visit.” I said, “Libtards?,” sounding surprised and he said,”Well, you’re from Florida - you must be conservative, right?” I answered, “Well, we don’t really talk about politics or religion with other people.” He said, “Well, you should,” and it looked like it was going to be a jumping off place for a buzzed rant, and I answered, “Well, I only like to talk about these things with people who actually read.” He answered feebly, “Well, I went to an ivy league school - I read,” and then he said, “Wait - you must be educators,” and I answered, “I’m a retired therapist,” and he then said, “Have a good flight,” and made a bee line into the crowd somewhere., ending the exchange.

I’m still kicking this around, but my thoughts and feelings today are of sadness and worry that a stranger would be so unaware of social norms and boundaries - those niceties that were once important to friendly conversation with people in public. I was glad I didn’t submit to his put down or dumb myself down for the exchange. Maybe because I’m almost 70 years old and worried for our country - I don’t know - but I had no patience for such ignorance that day. I’m glad it didn’t turn into anything ugly, but I’m more glad about saying what I was thinking about the out-of-left-field comments of someone who didn’t know me. He thought it was ok, and I didn’t. I don’t. And I’d do it again. I will.

11/5/23

From Bill W., Co-founder of AA:

“We can, through broken anonymity, resume our old and disastrous pursuit of personal power and prestige, public honors, and money -- the same implacable urges that when frustrated once caused us to drink; the same forces that are today ripping the globe apart at its seams.” 

The Language of the Heart, article, “Why Alcoholics Anonymous Is Anonymous,” by Bill Wilson. AA Grapevine Publishing, 2015.

10/30/23

Because I’ve seen the vastness of the earth, in picture and film and first hand experience, I’ve come to see that maybe the miracle of life is that we keep trying. We get up and make something of the day - all humanity does, with the rhythm of the sun, moon and stars, products of the times we live in.

The state of the world right now is just the time of humanity right now. I am a member of the human race and I keep trying to get better, to learn, so…maybe as a member of the human race, I can forgive myself for some bad choices I made in the past and find the hope where it may be - hope that today I can keep it simple and just try to be better than I was yesterday.

Maybe trying to be a better person is all I really have to do. That will be enough, my gut tells me. That will be enough - just for today.

10/23/23

“When we love, we will see in others what we wish to see in ourselves.” 

From “Love,” North Hollywood, California, September 1988, Best of the Grapevine, Vol. 3

10/18/23

Forgive Myself

“Just like you, I have often thought myself the victim of what other people say and do. Yet every time I confessed the sins of such people, especially those whose sins did not correspond exactly with my own, I found that I only increased the total damage. My own resentment, my self-pity would often render me well-nigh useless to anybody. So, nowadays, if anyone talks of me so as to hurt, I first ask myself if there is any truth at all in what they say. If there is none, I try to remember that I too have had my periods of speaking bitterly of others; that hurtful gossip is but a symptom of our remaining emotional illness; and consequently that I must never be angry at the unreasonableness of sick people. Under very trying conditions I have had, again and again, to forgive others - also myself. Have you recently tried this?”

From, "Those Other People, " by Mary King O’Donnell

10/10/23

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” —E.L. Doctorow

10/3/23

Asserted

Sometimes our faults and flaws are available in full view for all to see. Or maybe it just feels like everyone sees them because the shame can be so big as the story of what we’ve done comes to the surface all around us…and we wait for the expected scrutiny, the criticism, the judgement.

I recently walked with a friend through a particularly hard time in her marriage - where the road was paved with resentments and conflicts that had never been resolved and all their faults and flaws were there for us to see. It was painful. I hated seeing my friend in such turmoil, hurt and fear, believing her marriage might be over. And it was also painful because I, too, had walked a similar path earlier in my marriage. I couldn’t help but remember the darkness that seemed to permeate those days. They were hard times to be reminded of while my friend was struggling.

Walking as I did with her, however, showed me how far I’d come since that time - far from the reactions and behaviors of the young and intimidated girl I was, only pretending to be an adult. I was reminded of the turning point I had reached one day when I realized how long it had been since I did anything just for myself. I knew in a moment of clarity that if I didn’t start meeting my own needs and my own goals, apart from my husband’s, I would lose myself once again, and perhaps never be able to find out who I ever was or wanted to be.

Whenever a problem is exposed in a relationship, I believe we get a choice of whether to use the guts of it for the good it holds - for growth and clarity of the road ahead, or to put our heads back in the sand, only to continue struggling for air through our self-imposed limitations. By going through the pain of learning how the faults and flaws we each brought to our long term relationship worked against us, and by seeking help to sort them out when we were stuck, the choices of how to move forward broadened.

On “my side of the street,” so to say, I had to set new boundaries, with less people pleasing, more assertiveness and less willingness to live with peace at any cost. The cost was already too high. If I wanted change, I had to assert who I was as an equal partner. It was vital to my mental health and happiness - to my very soul.

I got to know my side of the street very well. And it took time, but I learned that I didn’t have to know anything about his side of the street unless I was invited. Today, keeping mine clean is a big enough job. I imagine we meet on a bridge between the two of us, with all the delight and joy that comes with sharing what’s happening in our separate worlds - our endeavors, our creativity, successes, and failures. That has been a great gift.

Eventually, my friend and her husband found a way back to each other, coming across the field that had divided them, exposing the fault lines to be wary of, the rabbit holes to avoid, but also the great expanse that holds their future. It’s been a wonder to behold, and something I wish for everyone going through a hard time in their relationships. For myself, I continue to work for growth in the knowledge of who I am and was meant to be. For that, I could never be grateful enough.

9/25/23

Peonies

The peonies, too heavy with their beauty,
slump to the ground. I had hoped
they would live forever but ever so slowly
day by day they’re becoming the soil of their birth
with a faint tang of deliquescence around them.
Next June they’ll somehow remember to come alive again,
a little trick we have or have not learned.

“Peonies” by Jim Harrison

9/21/23

“All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

9/12/23

When asked what he would like for an epitaph, H.L. Mencken wrote, "If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl."

From Garrison Keillor’s “The Writer’s Almanac,” 9/12/23

9/10/23

More on Forgiveness

What asking for forgiveness sounds like:

I am honestly sorry for…(with no excuses or explanation why)

I am making changes so that I’ll be aware if I hurt you again.

Is there any way I hurt you that I’ve missed?

Is it ok if I sit here with you for a while?

I’ll go now.

What forgiving someone sounds like:

Thank you.

I accept your apology.

I understand.

I know you tried.

I see that you’ve changed that.

Let’s begin again.

May you find peace.

Let’s move on.

What forgiving yourself sounds like:

Hello, Beautiful!

Thank you for being you.

Rest now - everything is all right.

You’re worthy of forgiveness.

I’m sorry I didn’t know how to save you. I know better now.

I’m sorry I didn’t know how to help you. I know now.

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to change. I am now.

I’m sorry I let you down. I won’t give up on you anymore.

I’m sorry I abused you. I won’t anymore.

I’m sorry I said I hated you. I don’t.

Breathe in forgiveness. Breathe out shame.

9/4/23

One of the best descriptions I ever read about alcoholism comes from a story in the Big Book, pp 355-356. It follows:

“The obsession of the mind was a little harder to understand, and yet everyone has obsessions of various kinds. The alcoholic has them to an exaggerated degree. Over a period df time he has built up self-pity and resentments toward anyone or anything that interferes with his drinking. Dishonest thinking, prejudice, ego, antagonism toward anyone and everyone who dares to cross him, vanity, and a critical attitude are character defects that gradually creep in and become a part of his life. Living with fear and tension inevitably results in wanting to ease that tension, which alcohol seems to do temporarily. It took me some time to realize that the Twelve Steps of AA were designed to help correct these defects of character and so help remove the obsession to drink. The Twelve Steps, which to me are a spiritual way of living, soon meant honest thinking, not wishful thinking, open-mindedness, a willingness to try, and a faith to accept. They meant patience, tolerance and humility, and above all, the belief that a Power greater than myself could help. That Power I chose to call God.”

From “It Might Have Been Worse,” 4th Edition, Alcoholics Anonymous

8/31/23

“Writing is a combination of intangible creative fantasy and appallingly hard work.” —Anthony Powell

Indeed it is! I’m in the thick of writing my book these days and it IS hard work, but incredibly rewarding at the same time. I much appreciate all of you and the inspiration you provide me. It’s as if you’re with me, even now as I write here this morning.

Take care today, friends, and stay in touch. I will do the same -

Anne

8/19/23

“Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.”

From “Today’s Gift", Hazelden Publications

8/14/23

When for whatever reason some memory is triggered and you feel shame, with practice it doesn’t have to be debilitating and the catalyst for yet another trip down the rabbit hole of regret and disappointment. It can be a reminder to be humble - to remember that you’re just human and the reason you know what you did wrong is because someone else did it and named it before you.

With a bit of determination and commitment to change, new ways of thinking and reacting can become as recovery states, “A working part of the mind.” You can change.

Be kind to yourself today, friends, and stay out of the rabbit holes along your path. They’re not meant for people. Just rabbits.

Anne

8/10/23

Give yourself more credit.

You’re trying to grow

while you’re trying to heal.

You’re trying to forgive

while trying to grieve.

You’re trying to search

while trying to let go.

And you’re trying to love others

while remembering how to love yourself.

You’re doing the best you can

and today, it’s enough.

by Vex King

8/3/23

“I walked over and looked closer at the statue of the goddess. She was wearing a headdress with a skull and a cobra and a crescent moon. Maybe this is what peace of mind was all about: having a poisonous snake on your head and smiling anyway.”

—Wally Lamb, "I Know This Much is True"

8/1/23

Keep my anger

from becoming meanness.

Keep my sorrow

from collapsing into self-pity.

Keep my heart soft enough

to keep breaking.

Keep my anger turned towards justice,

not cruelty.

Remind me that all of this,

every bit of it,

is for love.

Keep me fiercely kind.

by Laura Jean Truman

7/31/23

The Long View - From Here, Now

Years ago I was a drug and alcohol counselor in an evening intensive outpatient treatment program in a suburb of Cleveland, OH.  Outpatient mental health services can be very intense, so completing a program of group therapy and individual therapy, if you give it 100%, can be quite an accomplishment. It can be life changing.

To witness a group of people as they work to incorporate changes into their daily lives without drugs and alcohol can be very rewarding. I was often in awe of people as they shared their stories of handling the ups and downs of early sobriety - no small feat. I was given the gift of being able to guide them through those times, very imperfectly and at times almost miraculously. The power of what happened in a group session one night during that time has stayed with me all these years.

I’d just started working at this particular treatment center which was on the 7th floor of a high rise building on the east side of town. One evening in my office, I noticed something amazing through the large west-facing window onto the world I had there. Within the sunset was a clear view of Lake Erie, about 25 miles away, with water flickering yellow in front of an iridescent pink streak of a long cloud. The sunlight reflected off of a boat that was moving across the water. It’s still hard to describe the surprising beauty of the scene, but I’ve never forgotten it nor the gift it afforded me as a counselor one evening not too long after that experience.

A few nights later in group session, several people shared how they’d struggled over the past weekend with serious family issues and the complicated re-entry into home and workplace as a sober person.  Not easy stuff. There was one particular moment when feelings in the group were at their most intense, including tears and deep sadness and regret among them.

To break the spell of the hopelessness that had fallen over the group, I asked them to come with me down the hall, and I lead them to my office as the sun was just setting. Once outside my door, I opened it for them to enter and simply said, “Look,” and they all gravitated to the window, ablaze with the color and a view of Lake Erie shimmering in the distance. After a few quick gasps from the group and some “ahhhh”s and “oooo”s, they were silent, standing still, taking in the moment together. They stayed there for quite a few minutes, each one returning to the group room when they were ready.

The lesson was that they had the ability to shift from focusing on the pain that had just been so palpable in the group to the beauty of the sunset and the possibilities that a shift in perspective can hold. As I liked to do at the end of a meaningful group like that, we wrote a poem together. It was about courage and hope and change - sometimes found in the most surprising places, when you least expect it, in a group of people who felt lost and were found, in a sunset on a far away lake, taking in the long view from 7 floors up.

7/18/23

“Humility is a personal achievement, it cannot be given away. It comes in glimmers and grows like an ice crystal. It is fragile, too, thus requiring constant care and protection.”

“Enjoying Anonymity,” Seattle, Washington, January 1992, The Home Group: Heartbeat of AA, from The Grapevine

7/14/123

Aging

I’ve noticed something about getting older. The times I feel the oldest and struggle with how my body is changing with age are the times I haven’t been making fun a part of my day. Listening to a funny audiobook, reading the daily New Yorker Humor email, watching a funny TV show with my husband, talking to my funny brother on the phone, meeting a friend at a place we like to eat lunch, meeting with my garage band buddies to play and sing music, writing a funny story about my life…all of it is so good for my attitude and my funny bone.

And the times I’m not connected to my true nature and my genuine self are the times I think too much about the problems that may lay ahead as I get older. These fears can be insidious, needling me with endless scenarios of what may befall me in the days ahead. Those are the times I feel old. I can even feel feeble, which I’m not. Not even close. The reminder my husband and I share on a regular basis is, “We do more in one day than most people do in three!” and it’s true.

When I keep the flow around me positive and changing and curious, I see the road ahead and it looks great…and a lot of fun!

Anne

7/9/23

“Go With The Flow” -

I love that saying. It fits beautifully into a meditation practice I use about water. I imagine I’m on a river in a canoe, either relaxing, not paddling, letting the current of the river take me along; moving under the shade of tall tree tops. It’s wonderfully calming, and I’ve used this meditation enough to have a sense in my day sometimes when I’m going against the river - paddling furiously, anxious, troubled about what lies ahead and from where I just came.

What I’ve learned is to let go and let myself be moved forward by the current. Even in the rapids.

I believe that “the flow" is life on life’s terms that I get to experience every day, and if I don’t struggle, I can get through those rough currents so much better than by working to go backwards, avoiding the inevitable. I am so grateful for moments during the day when my meditation practice “pays it forward” into the flow of my day and I am awakened by the way I’m struggling and holding onto something that’s not mine to manage or that I simply can’t change. The clue is usually the feeling of anxiety somewhere under the surface, making rough going where it doesn’t have to be. I can then let go, pull the paddles in the boat and stop fighting everything and everyone.

And because I work a program of recovery, I know how to shift my thinking into self-care by setting boundaries if I need to, or make a decision about something that has needed resolution, or just plain relax for a bit. I’ve come to trust this process, and because of it, the river is no longer a challenge if I go with the flow.

7/8/23

“Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need, rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.”

Ashleigh Warner

7/3/23

Today I’m posting a song my friend Peter and I recorded yesterday at garage band practice. - I hope you enjoy “The Best of My Love,” by the great Don Henley.

7/2/23

“At some point in each today, we recovering alcoholics need to pay ourselves a friendly visit.”

From the story, “Savoring Our Sobriety,” August 1982, from The Grapevine Daily Quote,

this date

6/30/23`

“There is a core inside me - my true nature - that knows me. It’s where I get what helps me during my day to live a good, sober life.”

Heard at coffee with friends

6/29/23

“The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense.”

AA Co-Founder, Bill W., January 1962, “This Matter of Fear”, Best of Bill

6/28/23

“Alcohol gave me wings, while it took away the sky.”

Heard at coffee with friends

6/22/23

“The world of truth is the world of what is. It is the room I sit in, the sleeping kitten, the job that must be done. It is here. It is now.”

Anonymous, from the Grapevine Daily Quotes, this date

6/19/23

“Be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Work regular hours.”

Jane Kenyon, about being a poet

6/17/23

I’m what I needed the whole time.

Unknown

6/16/23

Trust

I’ve come to trust that even though things may not unfold the way I want, I’ll still be fine. I’ll learn something about myself, about life, about others, and I’ll grow in the process regardless of the outcome. If I want. If I choose to, and today, I gratefully choose to keep growing. I’m still curious about who I am and what the day will bring, and I’ll continue to cultivate that curiosity every day as long as I can. I’m committed to it as my philosophy of life. Oh…and good hair and good earrings, too. I’m committed to having those, too!

Seize the day, my friends!

Anne

6/9/23

A new poem this morning…

Lost and Found

“I don’t think anyone would be interested in reading about my family,”

said the seasoned poet in an interview. “Well,” I thought to myself,

I’m screwed because that’s all I write about.”

But wanting to be like him, I began writing about “topics” and “subjects,”

only to get lost in the weeds with my well-worn opinions and ideas.

I thought to myself, “Well, who wants to read THIS.” Not many, I figured.

Then I read a memoir by a successful writer I admire in which she told my story.

Down to the alcoholic father. I couldn’t tell it any better than that.

“What a story!” I said. Drat!!

Then one day I heard a famous author give a talk about creativity, and she said,

“Screw all that chatter in your head. Write because you enjoy writing.

Just start, and what you’ll end up doing with it will come in time.

Just start and don’t stop.”

She said the same thing goes for singing, too.

“Just create art for the sake of it,” she said, “for the enjoyment of it, and the new vision of the world it affords you.”

And that changed everything.

I got out of my own way and put pen to paper again,

and I kept it there until I was done that day.

Then I did it the next, and the next, and the next…

I found my voice coming through, too,

past the doubt,

past the worry of acceptance,

past the fear of sharing myself,

and I thanked the seasoned poet and the successful memoirist,

and then asked them to move along, stage left,

and leave me to my writing. I had work to do.

And a song to sing.

6/8/23

H = Hearing

O = Other

P = People’s

E = Experiences

6/3/23

“Don’t wast time thinking about what you could have done differently. Do it differently now.”

Karen Salmonsohn

5/16/23

“Grief is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Jamie Anderson, From the website, “Tiny Buddha”

5/13/23

“I didn’t think grief could come near me again, but that was a poor way of thinking. We are never finished with grief. It is part of the fabric of living. It is always waiting to happen. Love makes memories and life precious; the grief that comes to us is proportionate to that love and is inescapable.

Excerpt from “Grief,” by V.S. Naipaul, in The New Yorker Magazine, 1/6/23

5/5/23

“It’s quite simple. Nothing that is meant for you will ever get away. Love deeply and without the need to possess or own. Let beautiful connections pass through you without attachment. Slam your heart into the people and the places and the things that ignite something deep inside your soul, and I promise, I promise - the right things will stay. You will never lose what is for you. Please don’t ever forget that.”

Bianca Sparacino

4/26/23

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable.”

Nayyira Waheed

4/25/23

I’ve added an essay, “Asserted,” under “Essays and Stories.” I hope you find meaning in the words that seemed to take a lifetime to learn.

Anne

4/20/2023

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

E.L. Doctorow

4/18/23

I’ve added a new essay to this site called, “Accents.” I’m reciting it tomorrow night at UUC Naples. I hope you enjoy it!

Anne

4/17/23

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” Matt Kahn

4/16/23

“Sometimes all you can do is accept there’s not much you can do. And sometimes all you can control is how well you let go of control.” - Lori Deschene

I couldn’t say it any better than that about what it’s been like this past week since we’ve decided to move back to Denver.

The house is up for sale and we’ve had a whirlwind of activity. Acceptance. No control of the outcome. Letting go.

All program - all the time!

AND I recorded an audiobook of “Heard at Coffee With Friends.” I’ll be posting it on the site sometime soon.

Thanks for all the support, friends!

Anne

4/6/23

“One of the deep secrets of life is that all that’s really worth doing is what we do for others.”

Lewis Carroll

4/3/23

The Fourth Step

“As I carried the Fourth Step into the next directional action, the Fifth…I began to gain by pain, to win by losing, to get control by letting go of control. And good feelings poured in from all sides. I discovered how many words I had been fond of using were actually traps, settling off negative thinking - ‘If only…,’‘never,’ ‘forever, ‘If only…,” ‘You always…,’ ‘never,’ ‘forever,’ ‘If you would only…,’ and so on. I dug in and tried desperately to change word habits, to share time instead of spending it.”

From Step by Step - Real AAs, Real Recovery

(printed in The Grapevine Online, 4/2/23)

4/1/23

Control

I came across this file from my counseling day recently. I think it’s helpful and thought you might as well.

What control looks like:

Criticizing people for not acting the way you think they should act

Having expectations that things should go your way

Thinking I know what others and myself deserve, need and want

Judging others

Holding onto a resentment

An “I’ll show you” attitude

Trying to get someone to agree with you

Trying to “teach” others after they’ve hurt you

Sulking and pouting

Using shame, guilt and manipulation to get your way

Arrogance, righteousness

Anxiety, tension, restlessness

What acceptance looks like:

Looking for a spiritual solution to the problem

Staying on my side of the street

Walking away from the fight

Acknowledging your part in the problem

Making an amends

Accepting an amends

Finding humility once again

Remembering that you make mistakes, too

Looking at things objectively and honestly

Letting it go

Turning it over to the Higher Power

Seeing the lesson in it

Freedom

Calm

Anne Meese

3/28/23

Being an Artist

I wanted to be an artist my whole life. Even as a little kid. Little did I know I’ve been one all along and just couldn’t see it. It wasn’t something I had to study or earn a degree to understand. I didn’t need to get all my ducks in row so I could finally begin. Just by virtue of starting each day with a seeking and curious mind, I already was one.

And I believe that everyone has a unique and artistic piece of the puzzle that makes up who they are. Finding a way to express it is the stuff of life that makes us want more. The joy of creating something that’s uniquely ours is how I think we show our love and contribute to the people we live with and share our communities with.

We can also honor someone who’s passed away by offering up something to the universe in their name - be it a prayer or meditation, or in a drawing or a song. It’s in that kind of giving that we receive, so says the prayer of St. Francis. I believe that. I’ve experienced that it comes back to me often by feeling connected once again with someone or something that’s been important to me. That’s the great benefit for the artist who takes the risk of offering something that will likely not be understood or appreciated by everyone. To be an artist is to be brave that way.

Today, I will offer up a song I’m learning these days, “Just Like That,” as my prayer to the universe in honor of a sweet someone I never met, the daughter of a dear friend of mine who died way too young. Her name was Clair.

Anne

(You can give a listen to “Just Like That” on youtube.com by Bonnie Raitt)

(You can find a copy of the St. Francis Prayer at silk worth.net)

3/23/23

Acceptance

Because I have a spiritual practice, it’s become pretty easy to accept something that I obviously don’t have any control over. Realizing that fact and letting go of the situation, person, place or thing has been a great tool to use for navigating rough waters into a more peaceful life…

But…

To accept something I find really intolerable is another matter. It can feel like I’m stuck wearing cement shoes that just won’t budge, but not because I can’t take them off. Rather, it’s because on some level I’m actually OK wearing them. My need to be right about something or my arrogant attitude can feel very appealing in a deep, dark way.

It took me a long time to get to know that side of myself and challenge whatever self-talk I have in the moment that’s keeping me stuck. It’s not easy to take such deep dives into who you are.

But…

It’s not impossible, either. To shift my focus to something I can actually change about my life allows me to get to a place of neutrality and to cease fighting - even if it’s just for the time being. Understanding my place in a situation can give me the calm I seek and the willingness to move ahead - out of those cement shoes.

Anne

3/10/23

For my friend, Robert

If I could take you out of your doldrums

I’d pick you up

and put you on my back porch in the sun,

pour your sad sack body onto my chaise lounge,

blue water all around,

blue sky up above,

and I’d watch you lift up

just from the sheer warmth and beauty of it all,

lifting you ever so slightly,

just enough,

to enjoy a glass of lemonade,

and find the energy to chat for a while.

Anne

3/5/23

“Your anger? It’s telling you where you feel powerless.

Your anxiety? It’s telling you that something in our life is off balance.

Your fear? It’s telling you what you care about.

Your apathy? It’s telling you when you’re overextended and burned out.

Your feelings aren’t random. They are messengers.

And if you want to get anywhere, you need to be able to let them speak to you and

tell you what they really need.”

Brianna Weist

3/4/23

I come by willingness to try something new if I imagine opening the door to it with one hand and holding the hand of God in the other.

Anne

2/14/23

For Jeff, my love

We have a “long time love,” you and me,

and that means that love has always found a way,

over the long road, the long haul, through the long journey of life,

to bring us together again

after crossed signals

cross words or

crossed swords

divide us for a time.

We meet again on the bridge between our two sides of the canal

that flows deeply

with memories

of our children

our homes

our travels

And this year

in the flow

is the adventure of travel

to a new place for us -

New York -

and new stories

Adding to the long time love

we’ve held so well.

I love you, honey -

Happy Valentine’s Day

a.

2/7/23

“Remember that the minute you take your first step into the life of your dreams, the first to greet you there will be fear. Nod. Keep walking.”

Brianna Weist

2/4/23

“Let go or be ready for a good dragging.”

Wisdom on a magnet I bought

1/31/23

“The point is this: That the stream of memory may lead to the river of understanding, and understanding, in turn, may be a tributary of the river of forgiveness.”

Wally Lamb, from, “I Know This Much is True”

1/26/23

“We let go absolutely…,”

from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

Letting go of a person, place, thing or situation can take a long time when you know how to endure emotional pain.  Using endurance as a survival skill can be a complex web to untangle when we begin the path of emotional sobriety.  We’ve learned how to tolerate the intolerable - in relationships, work, in ourselves, our behaviors. Somehow, being loyal to old, irrational beliefs about what it takes to be a good person can seem imperative, and the ways our thoughts, feelings and behaviors can twist and turn to support those beliefs can be overwhelming to address. It can feel like it’s too much, too big and too painful to handle.

Holding on to old beliefs locks us into a narrow path forward that can easily get clogged with expectations, judgments and all the character defenses that go with addiction. Then we’re stuck in place by the weight of whatever or whoever it is that we’re holding onto. Self-pity is usually a part in that process as well, opening the door to obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. We might not consider using drugs or alcohol in a given moment, but we may be experiencing all the same reactions to life on life’s terms that we did when we were. When that’s going on, recovery can look bleak. We can feel miserable.

If your brain is like mine, I learned early in my recovery journey that the use of metaphors was going to be the key to change. I need visual images to help me understand the work at hand, whether drilling down on what may be the cause or condition behind my avoidance of something or whether it’s to just be in the moment. I have learned to let my imagination run wild with a picture that comes to mind and helps me gain perspective on what may really be going on in those moments where an old belief comes roaring into the present moment with twists and turns that are difficult to navigate.

One of the visualizations I like to use is seeing myself standing on the edge of a cliff - arms out like wings, toes to the edge, looking up to sky, taking a big breath and finally pushing off. What makes this so powerful is that I know that no harm will come to me - that I will fly just for the pure enjoyment of flying. It brings me the amazing feeling of freedom I had previously sought by trying to figure things out through the lens of old beliefs, on my own. I came to see that my self-reliance was only going to get me a few feet from the edge. By stepping off, the weight of what I had been holding onto is gone - radically. Gone. Not forever, but for my good, in that moment. And that practice has made all the difference some days. And in my life.

Today I will set aside time to practice letting go of something that I know is holding me back. I will make room for a new thought to take hold in my mind as I continue developing the emotional sobriety I desire in my life.

1/23/22

“Your mental health is more important than your career, money, other people’s opinions, that event you said you would attend, your partner’s mood and your family’s wishes, combined. If taking care of yourself means letting someone down, then let someone down.”

Steven Bartlett

1/16/22

Acceptance

Accepting something that I obviously don’t have any control over - the government, the weather, traffic, family, friends, etc., has gotten easier over the years. The facts are what they are, and letting go of a situation, person, place or thing allows me to navigate rough waters and get to a more peaceful, settled place…

But…

To accept something I find really intolerable is another matter. There’s an added depth to it that can be like wearing cement shoes that just won’t budge, not because I can’t take them off, but because of my stubborness or anger. In those moments, I can actually be OK wearing them. The need to be right can bring about a feeling of righteousness that is very appealing in a deep, dark way.

Recognizing that side of myself and being able to challenge the cynical, negative self-talk that goes along with it is not always easy…

But…

It’s not impossible, either. To shift my thinking to something constructive and positive that I actually can change about a situation (which is mostly my attitude) allows me to get to a place of neutrality - even for just the time being. In that place I can eventually find the calm that I seek and the willingness to move ahead - out of those cement shoes.

Anne

1/14/22

“If you think you too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

Daila Lama

1/8/22

Shame

I’m being left out.

I won’t be remembered by anyone.

They’re having a great time without me.

They’ll forget me…

This is the voice of shame. It comes from the belief that you’re falling short, inadequate, worthless and helpless. Shame is such a huge block to growth because it’s tied to our very existence. It challenges the willingness we have to change. It can take the air out of our sails, yet it has to be dealt with.

When we begin to acknowledge the message of shame that’s been oppressing us, the path to healing lies ahead. The relief that comes from remembering I am human, that I’m not perfect and I have limitations, like everyone, is like a balm that soothes the troubled soul, as the old hymn goes.

Today, I will be more aware of how I speak to myself. I will be sure to tell myself at least once that I am lovable and that I’m doing a good job at being me today.

Anne

1/1/23

Happy New Year, dear friends!

Anne

12/16/22

If it’s your calling, it will keep calling you.

Anonymous

12/10/22

Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

Mike Tyson

12/1/22

Feelings

As the holiday season begins once again, I am reminded to return to one of the basic truths of mental health that has served me well in my evolution as a human. It’s that I need to remember to keep the moment “right sized,” and that boils down to managing my emotions.

Managing my emotional life has to start with acknowledging that feelings are just meant to be felt - not held, not caressed, not enhanced, not minimized. They are not truth. They are not reason. They are not predictions. They are not to be feared or avoided. They just are. They are internal reactions from experience, often without rhythm or rhyme or reason. They’re supposed to 1) come into consciousness, 2) inform us, and then 3) pass on by. Simple, right? Ha! Not always so…

Much of my mental and emotional struggle in life has been about trying to change my internal life - to force feed myself a more pleasant feeling or thought at the first sign of negativity. Doing that to myself has only reinforced my confusion about what’s really going on and what reality might actually be. It’s avoidance. It’s delay. It’s control.

Today I am committed to noticing my feelings, letting them inform me about my inner life as need be, and then allowing them to pass by, up and out of the moment - knowing they served a purpose.

I hope you can find the process - the metaphors? - that work for you today in managing your emotional life. Even if just for a moment. One moment at a time. Just for today.

Anne

11/30/22

My Higher Power plays the long game…

Heard at coffee with friends

I’ve come to see that even though I might not “win” the current argument or conflict I’m facing, if I can shift the energy a bit and let go of what’s bothering me, then somewhere down the road, I will learn what I’m supposed to about it. Sometimes that happens quickly, sometimes slowly, but if I pay attention I can always find the lesson. Sometimes it’s as simple as being reminded to be kind to someone, even if I don’t want to be. I don’t get to pick how that works. I just need to stop, look and listen once again as I move forward in the spiritual life I try to live every day. Being short-sighted only hurts me and limits the possibilities there may be in a given situation. It can also prevent me from seeing the beauty all around me. Having to be right and “win” just magnifies my ego. It’s the long game that matters. It’s the long game I’m grateful for.

Anne

11/28/22

Chaos or Change?

Sometimes people aren’t asking for help to change when they say they want to talk to you about a person, place or thing that’s troubling them. Instead, their intention is to complain, to vent one more time about the same thing, to get a high from the anger, to feel righteous, to build a case against someone, to be right…all the ways we try to adapt to the chaos of something that we’re usually powerless over - something we can’t change.

How to detach from some person, place or thing that I truly can’t change has been a hard lesson to learn - one that will be a life long challenge, it seems, because I can’t always see the boundary in a given situation. I can’t always be sure what is my responsibility and what isn’t. Thankfully, discernment about these things has come over time, but I can still get in a twist over the desire to make things better vs. accepting the way they are. It can even be terrifying, because if I truly admit powerlessness over these things - some fact of my life - then what has to really change is me. Actually, I’ve learned that the only thing I can change is me. And the prospect of having to let go of something in order to keep moving forward and change can be daunting, to say the least. It requires vigilance, determination, commitment. And it requires courage.

It requires the kind of courage to say that whatever other people think about me is none of my business. It requires me to acknowledge the limitations I have in my life around time and energy, around my physical and mental health, and these days, around my age. It requires me to be aware of the changes happening in my own life - not someone else’s. It requires me to side-step the drama and chaos other people can bring to my day. These days I just don’t have the willingness to engage in what I see as someone else’s countless vain attempts to change something without trying something new. Time is ticking…

One day at a time.

Anne

11/25/22

Emotional Maturity

I can’t force feed new thoughts to myself if I’m still feeling hurt over something. I need to accept the hurt and hold it for a while. It just gets stronger the more I avoid it or try to control it with slogans and surface level cajoling.

One thing that works for me is to just hold the hurt for how ever long it wants to be held. I breathe it - in and out, the entire force of it, knowing it won’t kill me - that I am stronger than the pain. Then, once the intensity is passed, I let go of what remains - the residue, the wound. I have to hand it off to HP. Sometimes on my knees, arms up, hands up.

And sometimes there will be space left over for a lesson to come to mind. Other times it’ll just be gone. But always, always, if the hurt returns, it is changed to some degree - maybe very small, like a grain of sand, eventually returning with the lesson intact - like it was there all along - waiting to be noticed, to be seen, to be taken to heart, filed away for the next time I’m supposed to evolve. As a human, as Anne, who has been loved by a force greater than me, that covers the Universe in the same way, available for all to know in their own way.

This process has worked for me many times during my recovery journey, in times where the hurt was just annoying and in times when I thought it might kill me. The choice to employ it again and again is mine. It has taken discipline, determination and willingness, but not force feeding. That only serves to cause more of the anxiety or depression I’d been trying to change on my own.

It took a long time for the “thinking disease” I have to evolve in me, and I must be patient with the process of change that is occurring within me every day. But I must do it. I am responsible for my emotional health - for my emotional maturity.

Anne

11/24/22

“My serenity comes from knowing it’s OK if it’s not my will.”

Heard at coffee with friends

11/17/22

“Letting go is hard, but holding on is harder.”

from The Daily Jay, on the Calm app, this date

11/16/22

Heard at coffee with friends:

“Sometimes I forget to take the boiling pot off the stove. I’m a drama addict.”

11/11/22

I asked myself this morning what the spiritual foundation of my life consists of and I realized the following to be true:

• A Power Greater Than Myself - a Higher Power (HP) - that is a conglomeration of the characteristics, visions, and experiences I have had which are kind and loving and supportive.

• A relationship with the HP that is always available and always changeable in purpose, sometimes as a grandmother to a grandchild, or a grandfather, a mother, father, or my own wise mind.

• Awareness of my need for the HP in moments that can still baffle me and tie me up in knots.

• Honoring my intentions and desires to do good and help others.

• Knowing myself and the limitations I have as one human.

• Fulfilling my need to create something of beauty in my world.

• Using the Third Step to hand off to the HP what I allow to get in my way.

• Continuing to integrate my grief into my life, respecting it’s power to teach me more about who I am and how my experiences connect me to other people rather than separate me from them.

• To replace old narratives with the wisdom to know the difference between what is worth mining for truth and healing and what is just a worn out old yarn, ready for the file or the fire.

• Relinquishing control and embracing an ever-changing and evolving sense of who I am when I simply do the next kind thing - for myself and others - in front of me to be done.

Anne

11/5/22

I’m so grateful to share the story I told at The Moth in Miami on Thursday. Here it is:

The Moth - Hero

The boy on the TV news was all smiles, beaming with pride, recognized as a hero at age 10 by the Fire Marshall for having saved his family from a house fire. He had woken all of them in the middle of the night and gotten them out safely. I was all smiles for the little guy, too, being a young mother at the time and imagining what a gift he was to his family.

Then it hit me like a flash. I had done the same thing, at just about his age.

After a bit of reflection the story came back to me.

I remembered that my father had been drinking one night and passed out in the living room chair with a lit cigarette and it caught on fire. I woke up to the smell of smoke in the upstairs bedroom I shared with my 4 sisters. I ran downstairs and found my father throwing a pan of water on the burning chair. He yelled to me to get my mother, I did, and she came running out of the bedroom. They started yelling orders at each other about what to do to put the fire out.

I ran back upstairs to get my sisters out. Then I ran downstairs to the basement to get my two brothers out, and we all got out safely and ran to the back yard, unable to see what our parents were doing to put out the fire at the front of the house.

Triggered by news of this young boy’s experience, I also remembered something else from that night. I remembered that when all seven of us were huddled together in the dark of the backyard, sitting around the picnic table, strangely, I couldn’t have been happier nd I didn’t want it to end.

We hadn’t a clue what our parents were doing, but we felt safe there, sitting together, with my older brother making jokes and telling stories - we were laughing and goofing around in the way that only sibling can, distracted from the frightening unknown that was just around the corner.

I don’t remember how long we stayed that way - it must have been for a while, but I do remember my mother calling us in, saying something like, “It’s all over now. Go back to bed.” I remember filing quietly back in the house, still smelling of smoke, and getting a glimpse out the front door to see the smoldering, black chair with the garden hose on the ground nearby.

I remember that the chair was gone by the time we went to school in the morning, and the only sign that anything had happened the night before was a small burnt spot on the lawn,

and…

we never spoke about this night in my family again. Not even the next day. Never. I hadn’t even thought of it until I saw the story on the news that day. That’s what happens when one of the rules in your family is that you don’t talk about what’s going on in your house to anyone, because, the warning goes, you can’t trust anyone, but more importantly, YOU will bring shame on the family if you do. Not the person who caused the problem.

YOU will. Just keep it to yourself and forget about it.

So I did.

And life went on after that night and many more nights like it, as it does in families with mental health issues, with one unpredictable incident after another, and in our case, with all of the attention and energy going to my father’s next calamity, along with that reminder to forget about it.

Many years have passed since that night, of course. My parents have been gone for a long time, and all seven of us survived the chaos, each in our own ways. Ever true to the rules we lived with, however, we haven’t talked much about those years with each other. We’ve shared only a few stories between us, mostly with the characteristic humor that got us through.

But because of the mental strings that attach those earlier experiences to present day experiences, the memory of the fire that night remained remarkably powerful enough to punch a hole in my day when I saw that boy on TV, to remind me of having lived through such an experience as a kid - something I had pushed away from my thoughts, minimizing it, making it disappear.

From this boy’s story and many other awakenings in my life, from therapy, from facing addictions I had developed, from letting go of narratives that I carried for far too long, I became ready to break the family rules, and by a higher power available to me, I found that I had a voice of my own.

And I learned to sooth myself and settle the questions and conflicts I had carried for so long within myself. I learned to talk to that little 10 year old that I was. I told her I thought she was brave and that she was a good daughter, and that I know she always tried her best.

I told her what a remarkable gift she was to her family that night for saving them, and that I would never forget what she did. I thanked her for saving us, and I told her I was glad that we were together today.

I have said those words, in different forms, many times to coach myself up in my life, and to this day, I am still committed to saying them to that scared child I was if she ever appears in my fears again.

And from that gift of awareness and the need to heal,

I found over time that I could use the troubled stories of my life to connect with others who had similar stories and needed to know they could recover from them, too. To give them hope.

So, as the fates would have it, I worked in the mental health field for 20 years, helping others find their voices to take the steam out of their stories and make peace with the past.

Doing that work, I found that even though the faces and places may be different, the stories we all carry are very similar, and I was lucky enough to see the value in my own stories and how to use them to help someone else.

So, it happened one day that early on as a novice counselor in a drug and alcohol treatment clinic, I met a new male client, about 25 years old as I remember, who was mandated to enter treatment as the result of getting a DUI.

As usual for new clients, I asked him to tell me about about his mother, and in so many words he told me the following story.

He said his mother had been an alcoholic and had died about a year ago. He said his parents had divorced when he was young, and that he had always lived with his mother in the same house. He said that her drinking had been bad for many years, and he described some of the heart-breaking ways he had cared for her. He said that one day she was taken to the ER when he was at work, because a neighbor saw her having a seizure in the driveway and called 911. He said she must have have run out of alcohol and was going to the store to get more. And through tears, he said that HE was the one who knew how to detox her, HE was the one who knew what medication to give her and how much, having saved her many times since childhood, but the doctors wouldn’t listen to him.

She had never gained consciousness and he never had the chance to save her or say good-bye because she died in cardiac arrest a few hours later. And he went through that experience alone. And he had never told anyone else about it. And his drinking had gotten worse since that happened.

And when he was finished with his story, I remember that I didn’t have to search for what to say to him. The words just came -

“It sounds like you were a brave and good son to her, and that you tried your best.

You were a remarkable gift to her, and you probably saved her many times.

She very likely lived much longer because she had you,

and i’ll never forget your what you did for her.

I’m glad you survived and I’m glad we’re here together today.”

I became a better counselor that day.

By listening to people’s stories, I saw the need in people that drives them to summon the courage to reveal stories about themselves to a trusted person, even a stranger with a kind face.

And because of the stories, I was privileged to see in them, as I had seen for myself, that somehow, the result of the sharing is that the present begins to look different and things feel more settled.  The key is to keep doing it.

Much of what happens in life, even traumatic things, can be reasoned out and let go of with the wisdom we gain as evolving humans, with the help of others and by the grace that is available to us all for the asking.

But sometimes thing’s that happen become buried deep in our minds, our muscles and our souls. “The  body keeps the score,” as a famous trauma therapist says. Seeing that little boy on TV that day brought a story from the deepest part of my memory to the very surface of a new reality for me.

They linger, these stories, I have found, until they are told.

I believe that no matter how the stories come about in life,

sharing them is proof of a truth I know - that the Universe has a power that wants us to connect with each other because we need love, we need healing and every once in a while we need to be a hero -

10/31/22

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Being kept in the dark about what’s going on with your parents when you’re a kid makes you good at making things up; at telling yourself stories to make sense of the way the adults act and do what they do. And even though it may be far from the reality of it all, the child will still believe it as if it’s rock solid, holding onto it for dear life - out of fear and loyalty and love. The story has to be true to the child because underneath the confusion and grip of terror is the small yet unrelenting voice that says this could all blow up, and it could be something you do that causes it. “Get good at walking on egg shells, little one,” is the message. They have to believe it because it’s the closest thing to a reality that they have and one way to make things appear ok - to make things seem safe.

Anne

10/30/22

You can recover one day at a time, and you can also get sicker one day at a a time.

Heard at coffee with friends

10/24/22

Hello Friends -

I’ve been on a bit of a writing retreat, editing and preparing some of my work for submission - to where, I’ll keep you posted. Life is good and full and lovely, even though I don’t often know if I’m traveling the right road. I hope you come across a beautiful challenge or two today that reminds you of the second chance we we’ve been given to keep moving forward, just because we woke up this morning - part of this good old Universe.

Here’s one of my favorite prayers by Thomas Merton. It makes me feel lucky indeed just to pass it on to you today. We are the lucky ones, my friends.

“MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

10/3/22

“Each poem and story has a unique kingdom of it’s own.”

Philip Roth

9/25/22

Now I can say I lived through a hurricane - Ian, to be exact. Good riddance!

Anne

9/15/22

What Love Has to do With it

No one is going to love you exactly like you imagine.  No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star from the sky at the perfect time and hand it to you.  No one is going to show up at your door on a horse with a shoe that you lost.  Do you understand?  That’s why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other love you get just adds candles to the cake you’ve already made.

Author Unknown

9/14/22

Forgiveness

I trust my gut more today.

When I see the gullible, naive girl I was in moments of frustration or painful clarity, I try to remember to say to myself that I am not that person anymore.  I don’t have to keep experiencing the pain and guilt of an injustice I may have caused or one I may have experienced from someone else. Today, I am a different version of myself.

Forgiveness allows true healing.  Otherwise, you keep paying for someone else’s injustice, through emotional pain, worry, impulsive thoughts, depression.

Once the wound is healed, you won’t need denial anymore.

When you don’t forgive, you are the judge who inadvertently bangs the gavel on your head by holding onto the pain and resentment.  That hurts you physically and mentally by keeping yourself their victim.

Forgive the wound as you would any slight.  Don’t give it more energy - don’t attach to the person, place or situation too much.  It’s just someone else’s drama and moment in time that bumped into yours.

am

9/12/22

Telling Your Truth

Other people will let you down because no one is perfect. To be in a relationship with someone is to learn how to accept another person for who they are and to stop expecting them to be different.  When you stop reacting to them out of anger for who they turned out to be instead of who you wanted them to be, then you’ll know you’re changing - from a naive and righteous victim who has a way of sucking all the good out of life to the person you always wanted to be - mature, living with dignity and confidence that comes from deeply knowing you’re not alone. You’ve got back up and other people who believe in you. You’ve got a HP that created you and knows what you’re going through - the same HP that made the mountains you’ve crossed and the valley you reached on the other side; a valley where the living is easier and you’re at peace; where you can look back with wonder at the climb you just finished, grateful for the challenge…because that’s how you make a life, a career, a family, a craft - all of it - by meeting the next challenge of the new day, the truth of who you are, lighting the way.

9/7/22

Identification

Once I surrendered to the Program and 12 Step way of life and became teachable, I began identifying more and more with everyone - even those with whom I wouldn’t ordinarily mix.  I identified with cravings, triggers, feelings - all the things that came before picking up the first drink. I needed that to help me understand my unmanageability.

But one of the greatest things that happened was when someone said they identified with me. The validation that I wasn’t crazy - or was crazy just like everyone else - was amazing. I learned over time that I need to be a part of something greater than myself because my loneliness only turns identifications into comparisons where I always lose out. I felt understood - like people got me. I found my tribe.

Identifying my struggles to be the same ones experienced by others meant that they were’t unique to only me. I heard someone say at a meeting that I can name my mistakes, faults and defects because someone else has them, too. It meant that I’m wasn’t alone with them, living in the shadow of their shame.  It mean that I’m just a human being.

At one time in my recovery, I thought that telling some that what they was experiencing wasn’t unique was a way of shaming them - that they weren’t special and just needed to get over it. In fact, I heard people use that idea in shaming ways, to minimize or even belittle others for their pain. I even heard someone say to another person who was crying in a meeting, “You’re not going to CRY about it, are you?” - out loud. I’m not talking about that kind of shame ball that can be thoughtlessly passed around.

Today I know that identifying with other people and them with me is a total gift that says you’re not alone, you’re not crazy. A person who says that happened to me, too, is saying I understand your pain. They’re saying you fit right here. You belong. And there’s help here for you. There’s hope here and if you follow some simple Steps, you will come to believe it for yourself and you’ll want more.

To help someone else identify by telling a shameful thing you did while impaired is not easy. No one likes the leveling of pride that comes along with this deal. It takes humility which is not always easy to come by. But once you have the experience of helping someone that way, you get a bit a more healed, I believe. Some air gets let out of that heaviness we can sometimes carry about the past. We’re not supposed to close the door to the past, and I believe it’s so that we can help the next person, but also so that the shame gets let out, expelled, exhaled, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.

There’s a Native American prayer that asks for help to live a good life so that, “…I may come to you in the end without shame.” I pray that by the end of my life, all the air is let out of the pain and humiliation of shame so that I, too, may go to my Creator without the burden of it any longer.

9/5/22

Serenity

from “Courage to Change,” September 4

“Having become more and more serene as a result of working the Al-Anon program, I was surprised to find myself still grabbing for old fears as if I wanted to remain in crisis. I realized that I didn’t know how to feel safe unless I was mentally busy. When I worried, I felt involved - and therefore somewhat in control.”

To trust that all is well in this moment, to have faith that I will be able to handle what comes along today, to know that I am in the care a Power greater than myself will - a power for good in the Universe…all of these are gifts of the program and the fruits of my efforts to keep growing and learning how to be a better person.

Today I will find a few extra moments in meditation to simply enjoy my serenity, and thank my lucky stars that I found the fellowships of AA and Al-Anon.

9/4/22

Sorrow

(from tinybuddha.com)

“You are not supposed to be happy all the time. Life hurts and it’s hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because it hurts for everybody. Don’t avoid the pain. You need it. It’s meant for you, be still with it. Let it come, let go, let it leave you with the fuel you’ll burn to get your work done on this earth.”

Glennon Doyle Melton

8/24/22

“It’s a little embarrassing that after forty-five years of research and study, the best advice I can give to people is to be a little kinder to each other.”

Aldous Huxley

8/12/22

“Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different.”

Fragments of the Mind

8/9/22

People are entitled to their moods, but they’re not entitled to mine. My peace of mind is not negotiable.

Jeff Brown

7/31/22

My Mom’s Measuring Stick

When for years my siblings and I

woke most school mornings from a fitful sleep

on the cusp of what had happened the night before,

the fighting words still echoing

from downstairs to our bedrooms,

wondering if he’d finally killed her

and we’d finally lost our Mom…

She made us go to school,

scolding us for balking,

shaming us for knowing things were bad

and that something terrible had happened in the night,

still scared,

wanting to protect her,

wanting to be protected ourselves,

to tell someone that we needed help,

hoping someone would save us,

knowing that doing school work when

things were that crazy at home

was going to take a magic trick,

one I hadn’t quite perfected yet…

I only saw those days of my childhood for what they were

after years of learning how to be me,

to be brave enough to feel the feelings, write the stories

and talk about them with a kind soul or two

And I only understood my Mother’s way and

her varied solutions to the troubles we lived together -

her strategic silences, her praying the rosary,

her ‘business as usual’ approach, her criticism,

her double life, etc., etc. -

I only understood that about my Mom when I learned about her own story

of living with a madman father, sick with drink,

a story worse than mine

where she did lose her mother to a weak heart,

perhaps finally broken from the fears and worries of what

would become of her four children when she finally did die,

missing the chance to raise them and keep them safe…

When I finally had a vision of my mother’s face at age 15,

standing in her home with three younger siblings

watching supposed family members take away her mother’s china

and keepsakes after the funeral,

stealing the only parts they had left of her,

When I had a vision of my mother’s face at 15,

struggling to keep them all together at home,

despite the abandonment by their father,

despite his utter selfishness at leaving them alone

for days, sometimes a week with no money,

When I finally heard the other stories

of chaos and terror that she endured,

it was then that I saw her magic trick was really no trick at all,

but rather a kind of measuring stick she used in her mind

to gauge how bad things really were

and whether it was time to put on more armor

or time to laugh it off

or time to tend to the laundry - anything

to avoid the awful truth that things were getting worse.

I learned that what she thought was “bad enough”

to warrant staying home from school

was never going to be what we went through as kids.

She was never going to view the chaos and terror

she was living daily with us

as “that bad,”

because what she used to measure it against

was a story of such loss, of such neglect and insanity

that the present didn’t measure up to the past.

Our brand of chaos just wasn’t bad enough.

Sometimes I think I’ve carried her worries with me for my whole life,

coloring my worldview, showing me what worrying needed to be done

in order to keep things safe and secure,

the fixing and planning and controlling to be done

in preparation for when all hell would finally break loose,

because surely it would.

She didn’t have to tell me outright.

I only had to watch and learn.

I learned that if I worried just right,

if I measured the intensity correctly

and made just the right response,

I could fend off the shame and embarrassment

and fear of what others might think

of me

of us

of them.

If I prepared enough to kept the criticism to a minimum,

then I did a good job and I could breathe easier.

If I worried in just the right way about things that might happen,

I could control the pain that would eventually come,

making it bearable,

in fact, so bearable

that other people I dared to let into my family’s insanity

would be shocked by how easily I did it.

I saw it in their looks of bewilderment -

the look of, “This is ok with you?

This run down house with this many people living here?

With a father in that kind of shape, walking around causing trouble?

While your Mom is at work?, etc.?”

When I saw that look and felt my burning face of shame

I knew I couldn’t fool them anymore and

it wouldn’t be long before they would be gone for good.

This happened enough to where I stopped bringing friends around at all,

and doubled down instead

on the masks and makeup up of the double life

I was to become an expert at living.

I learned to pretend,

to set aside my feelings,

to hide them away, stuff them down on the inside

and act on the outside as if all was well,

adjusting to the growing chaos from one day to the next -

The Act.

For my Mom it was

doing what was necessary to keep everyone together,

what had been necessary for a 15 year old girl

to keep her siblings from the orphanage, from foster homes,

from a frightening world of unknown calamities

yet to befall the ones she loved.

So, despite our fears and worries about the night to come,

we went to school.

Her insistence that school was necessary

belied her true intention which was

to have the house to herself

while we were gone,

needing time to recover herself and measure in her mind

once again

the scenes of violence, screaming and abuse

from the night before

running interference when he came after one of his kids,

hiding the bruises from when he came after her -

measuring that story against her own childhood story,

twisting and turning the facts and feelings,

desperate

to make our story come up short,

not measuring up to her’s and

what she knew about how bad things could get,

readjusting the measuring stick for what was to come,

whatever that may be.

Right after I escaped the sinking ship that was my family,

a new hell broke loose in that house, so the story goes,

with new threats, ramped up fighting,

and it was my brave 17 year old brother who had

to finally tell her how bad things really were, and

to make my father move out or else.

My Mother, the one-time expert at holding things together

had finally misjudged how much time she had left

to keep The Act going.

He did leave, finally rid of the people he resented most

for needing him.

To close this early chapter of my life story

as I have done here,

written this time without tears and regret

and longing for a better childhood,

I know some things to be true.

I know that despite the wrongs done to my Mother, my siblings and me,

my problems as an adult

have actually been of my own making

shaped from the survival stories I thought I needed,

worries that didn’t change a thing,

stories that kept me victimized, yearning for rescue.

Because of that,

because of recovery,

because of time,

because people cared,

because people had the same story,

because I wasn’t alone

I taught myself to question, to reflect and ask for help

when I needed to decipher

the right from the wrong, the unacceptable from the acceptable.

The real from the false.

When I got good at that,

because I loved myself,

because I loved my life,

because I loved others,

because I found a source for Good in the Universe,

I saw that everything changes,

and that life has a way of evening things out in the end,

painfully correcting the errors we make over time,

righting the wrongs and the judgements we make,

smoothing the way forward once again

preparing us for the choices we must make

in the days ahead

however many that may be,

maybe needing more than one lifetime to understand

how someone thinks

and how things really measure up.

Anne Meese

7/28/22

Change

“Transmutation: Grapes must be crushed to make wine. Diamonds form under pressure. Olives are pressed to release oil. Seeds grow in darkness. Whenever you feel crushed, under pressure, pressed, or in darkness, you’re in a powerful place of transformation and transmutation. Trust the process.”

Lala Dehlia, from website Tiny Buddha

7/17/22

The sky isn’t more beautiful if you have perfect skin. Music doesn’t sound more interesting if you have a six-pack. Dogs aren’t better company if you’re famous. Pizza tastes good regardless of your job title. The best of life exists beyond the things we are taught to crave.

Matt Haig

7/9/22

Bandito

by Eleanor Lerman

What gets you up in the morning?

For me it is the thought
that someday, I will be
as far away from here
as I can get

Watch me
rubbing out the lines behind me
I recommend it

I recommend
fooling everyone into thinking
that you have settled down
and then heading for the hills

The dog will bare his teeth
if instructed and meet up
with you later. It's good
you named him Bandito:
he'll watch your back

This, by the way, this is not a fantasy
It is page 69 (ha ha!) of the manual
I read when we were planning
the takeover

So it didn't happen—so what?
This is better
Wait until I tell you
what's on the next page

6/22/22

LETTING GO

Over time, I’ve learned that my mind gets in the way of letting go, and it’s usually about trying to hold onto something or someone that I believe I still need. In those times, I believe that some kind of solution can still be found in that problem, and if only I could dig deep enough into it, I could find out how to prevent more problems, whether in my life or someone else’s.

That is a burdensome way to think, and honestly, over time, I’ve learned that when I feel exhausted by people, places and things, it’s because I’ve returned to this way of thinking - this rabbit hole that leads no where.

What has helped me get hold of this is to understand how my mind works when faced with life on life’s terms, especially in this area of control, and following are some things I know about the “mindsets” of letting go and of controlling. In my letting go mindset, I practice:

• Visualization of opening a channel to God, from the Universe to my heart

• Surrender - arms out, hands lifted upward, on my knees

• Visualization of setting aside the issue in a box on the side of the road I am walking, leaving it for the power greater than myself to figure out and show me what I’m supposed to learn from it - however quickly, however slowly.

• Releasing the energy it takes to hold on to something by fully exhaling; inhaling

  calm.

• Saying “No, I don’t/can’t/won’t accept this right now…”

Those thoughts are much different from what goes through my mindset of control. It includes messages such as:

I’m on my own - no one is coming to help or wants to.

• I’m a pain in the ass and I can’t do anything right, so why try?

• Maybe if I try harder…

• I know I’m missing something here…

• How could I have been so stupid?

• I should say something, write to them, call them.

• God is out to get me again.

Today I will remember that anything I can’t control is teaching me how to let go - again. One thing at a time.

I will remember that I can re-set my thinking any time of the day.

6/12/22

Bandito

by Eleanor Lerman

What gets you up in the morning?

For me it is the thought
that someday, I will be
as far away from here
as I can get

Watch me
rubbing out the lines behind me
I recommend it

I recommend
fooling everyone into thinking
that you have settled down
and then heading for the hills

The dog will bare his teeth
if instructed and meet up
with you later. It's good
you named him Bandito:
he'll watch your back

This, by the way, this is not a fantasy
It is page 69 (ha ha!) of the manual
I read when we were planning
the takeover

So it didn't happen—so what?
This is better
Wait until I tell you
what's on the next page

5/30/22

If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.

Unknown

5/28/22

Freedom is not being able to do exactly what I want whenever I want.

Heard at coffee with friends

5/24/22

Spring
by Linda Pastan

Just as we lose hope
she ambles in,
a late guest
dragging her hem
of wildflowers,
her torn
veil of mist,
of light rain,
blowing
her dandelion
breath
in our ears;
and we forgive her,
turning from
chilly winter
ways,
we throw off
our faithful
sweaters
and open
our arms.

5/22/22

Enjoy, my friends!

The Ineffable
by George Bilgere

I'm sitting here reading the paper,
feeling warm and satisfied, basically content
with my life and all I have achieved.
Then I go up for a refill and suddenly realize
how much happier I could be with the barista.
Late thirties, hennaed hair, a shark
or something tattooed on her ankle,
a little silver ring in her nostril.
There's some mystery surrounding why she's here,
pouring coffee and toasting bagels at her age.
But there's a lot of torso when she walks,
which is interesting. I can sense right away
how it would all work out between us.

We'd get a loft in the artsy part of town,
and I can see how we'd look shopping together
at our favorite organic market
on a snowy winter Saturday,
snowflakes in our hair,
our arms full of leeks and shiitake mushrooms.
We would do tai chi in the park.
She'd be one of the few people
who actually "gets" my poetry
which I'd read to her in bed.
And I can see us making love, by candlelight,
Struggling to find words for the ineffable.
We never dreamed it could be like this.

And it would all be great, for many months,
until one day, unable to help myself,
I'd say something about that nostril ring.
Like, do you really need to wear that tonight
at Sarah and Mike's house, Sarah and Mike being
pediatricians who intimidate me slightly
with their patrician cool, and serious money.
And she would give me a look,
a certain lifting of the eyebrows
I can see she's capable of, and right there
that would be the end of the ineffable.

5/16/22

“Self-sufficiency is just using people when I think I need them.”

Anonymous

If you think you have to “go it alone” in life and that you don’t need someone in your corner or someone who will support you when you’re down, then you could be colluding with the oppressors in your life - the people who told you that no one else really cared about you or loved you the way the oppressor did; they are the people who needed you to be loyal to them alone.

It’s a “human thing,” I believe, to want independence and personal achievement. It’s good to be the best sometimes - even the hero. But carrying that much responsibility alone can push you towards perfectionism and the need to be right every time with no room for mistakes. No one can keep all those balls in the air forever. At some point, one will fall, and for the self-sufficient person, that can lead to an emotional crisis that’s hard to get out of, especially alone.

In recovery, we often hear people say that they had “too much self” at one time or another which caused them to look at their relationships as transactional, that being that they related to people only on a surface level - “news, weather and sports,” some people call it. That level of communication allowed them to “hit and run” - to take away what they needed and leave before too much was required of them.

Today, my relationships can be much richer and communication much more meaningful because of the power of vulnerability and being able to let someone else into my life by asking for help when I need it. I don’t have to use people for what I think I can get from them. I don’t have to impress anyone by being perfect. I can just be myself. That’s enough.

I can love someone for who they are, not what they can do for me when I’m finally desperate enough to say I need their help. I can be happy about letting other people into my life who just want to know me better.

That’s a huge change in living life on life’s terms and one I am proud of.

Anne

5/13/22

He said, “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt, crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations to waste a moment on yesterdays.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

4/28/22

“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back.”

Paulo Coelho

4/27/22

Behind the screen of the ordinary can be found unique and beautiful things.

Ted Kooser, poet

4/25/22

Another version of The Serenity Prayer from the original translation:

God,

Give us the grace to accept with serenity

The things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

Which should be changed,

And the wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Heard at an AA online meeting

4/19/22

“If your path requires that you walk through hell, walk like you own the place.”

Unknown

4/15/22

Try this exercise during your next quiet time. I have found it to be a powerful way of balancing out my “spiritual ledger” which often has me heavy on the defect side and lacking on the assets.

Say/write to yourself:

“I have changed. Today, I am ________.”

Search the qualities listed below as your guide for the process.

strong compassionate spontaneous trustworthy prompt

kind humorous courteous creative tenacious

sensitive talented loving judicious hard working

willing honest a friend a listener accepting

modest intelligent spiritual modest confident

Hoping this is fruitful for you,

Anne

4/13/22

The truth is that the way other people see us isn’t about us—it’s about them and their own struggles, insecurities, and limitations. You don’t have to allow their judgment to become your truth.

Daniell Koepke

4/7/22

From the website, Tiny Buddha, this date

“You’re so hard on yourself. But remember, everybody has a chapter they don’t read out loud. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life; at the mistakes that gave you wisdom, at the suffering that gave you strength. Despite everything, you still move forward, be proud of this. Continue to endure. Continue to persevere. And remember, no matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again.”

Unknown

4/5/22

I HEARD THIS TODAY DURING THE UNITED NATIONS COUNCIL MEETING:

“Tens of thousands of Ukrainians are reportedly being taken to locations in Russia that are being referred to as filtration camps, where their passports and cellphones are being taken away, and family members are being separated. I do not need to spell out what these so-called filtration camps are reminiscent of. It’s chilling, and we cannot look away.”

US Ambassador to the United Nations, Linda Thomas-Greenfield

4/1/22

Lucky
by Kirsten Dierking

All this time,
the life you were
supposed to live
has been rising around you
like the walls of a house
designed with warm
harmonious lines.
As if you had actually
planned it that way.
As if you had
stacked up bricks
at random,
and built by mistake
a lucky star.

3/20/22

Don’t Prioritize Your Looks

“Don’t prioritize your looks, my friend, for they won’t last the journey.

Your sense of humor, though, will only get better with age.

Your intuition will grow and expand like a majestic cloak of wisdom.

Your ability to choose your battles will be fine-tuned to perfection.

Your capacity for stillness, for living in the moment will blossom.

You desire to live each and every moment will transcend all other wants.

Your ability to know what (and who) is worth your time, will grow and flourish like ivy on a castle wall.

Don't prioritize your looks, my friend.They will change forever more.

That pursuit is one of much sadness and disappointment.

Prioritize the uniqueness that makes you you, and the invisible magnet that draws other like-minded souls to dance in your orbit.

These are the things which will only get better.”

Von Cannon

3/12/22

May the stars carry your sadness away. May the flowers fill your heart with beauty. May hope forever dry your tears, and above all, may silence make you strong.

Chief Dan George

3/11/22

Love is discovering yourself in others, and the delight in the recognition.

Alexander Smith

3/2/22

Doing and making are acts of hope,

and as that hope grows,

we stop feeling

overwhelmed

by the troubles

of the world.

Sister Corita Kent

3/1/22

You look in the mirror and see yourself,

but really, it’s not you at all.

I mean, there’s your eyes and your nose and your cute little smile,

but that’s not all there is to you.

Because you’re not seeing the amount 

of lives you’ve touched with your presence.

You’re not seeing all the people you’ve made

smile and laugh. You’re not seeing how

strong you are. In fact, all the battles

you’ve overcome are completely invisible

when you look in the mirror,

hidden beneath your outside features.

So, my darling, listen to me when I say this:

you are not as simple as a reflection.

You are complex, wonderful and something

brilliant that a mirror simply does not

have the capability to show.

It’s only showing one tree in the forest,

one star in the galaxy,

one grain of sand at the beach. 

And you are so much more than that.

Please believe it.

There is so much more to you

than what meets the eye.

agirlnamedmaja

2/13/22

Grief

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.

It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.

All the unspent love gathers up

in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat,

and that hollow part in your chest. Grief is just

love with no where to go.

Jamie Anderson

2/2/22

“The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old, but that one is young.”

Ruth Rendell, author

1/30/22

One Day at a Time

“You can’t work on everything at once.”

Heard at coffee with friends

Something I’m learning as I age is that there are times when I’m writing, praying, or meditating, and an old message from one of my committee members (the “itty bitty shi#$ committee”) comes through saying, “Hurry up! You have so much work to get done! You need to heal this or that, forgive this or that…”. It’s plain old pressure that I’ve put on myself, the message being that I’m not enough - not doing enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc.

Like a boomerang, these messages can come back at different times - sometimes, as noted, in quiet time, or maybe at other times when things seem so good, or when something is difficult to handle - with no rhyme or reason.

Today I will remember to call upon my better angels, as they say, and my better messages to “coach myself up,” reminding myself that “easy does it” is the best way forward - taking one thing to be done at a time; taking time to feel the feelings all the way through. That’s enough. It’s worked for me before, and I trust that it will work today. I hope it works for you, too.

1/26/22

“You are the universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while.”

Eckhart Tolle

1/25/22

“We all have pasts. We all make mistakes. No one is perfectly innocent. We are not saints. We do, however, get the opportunity each day to be better than we were yesterday.”

from Sobermode

1/24/22

People Pleasing

Today I know who I am, and if someone doesn’t like me, that’s ok. I don’t need the people I meet to be instrumental in my life unless I choose for them to be, just as they have the same choice about me. It may sting at first to find out that they don’t get me - that’s human, but the sooner I look at it through the lens of what’s important today - everyone liking me vs. me being ok with me - then things fall into perspective, and I can see that the impact they may have on my life is really up to me. I paid a lot in stress and worry to gain that lesson. It’s one I’m grateful for and intend to continue gaining from over the days ahead. 

1/14/22

Understanding Fear

Fear, worry, anxiety, and guilt. That’s really the combination of what depression looks like in me. I’ve had a long relationship with these feelings and understand their corrosive thread throughout my life. I have come to see that a core belief that something bad might happen in the future is it’s source, written on the wall of my psyche during my childhood. 

The solution to living with this and other fears in my young mind was to be prepared - hyper-prepared, actually, with a vigilance that colored my early years with tension, worry, and anxiety. I so desperately wanted my mother and siblings to be happy and safe from my alcoholic father, but could never seem to plug yet another inevitable hole that opened in our sinking ship. 

Being prepared for the calamity and chaos my father brought home to us, I thought, was a good way of preventing more pain and fear from recurring in our house, and the way I prepared was mainly through trying to be perfect. To me it made sense that if everything could be just so, if I looked a certain way, or the house did, or whatever I was doing at the time was the best, then I might be able to prevent the unpredictability of what might set my father off.

This solution, of course, was no solution at all, and it lead me to a life of fear, worry and anxiety - a mindset that always kept me on the look out for trouble. It also gave me a life of low self-worth, due in large part to the impossibility of meeting the high standards that I set for myself derived mostly from books, movies and TV. I never measured up, constantly comparing myself with others I believed to be better than me, more perfect than I was trying to be. Match that thinking with the idea that I was sure someone was going to hurt me and it’s clear why I felt such loneliness on the inside while looking good on the outside, all the while fueled by a fear of what was going to happen next. 

This thinking is why resentments were so important to keep and why I struggled in my beginnings with recovery. I thought that remembering what someone did to hurt you was a good thing, so you would know to look out for them in the future. That wasn’t something you should forgive or forget if you were smart, I thought. Working through the  resentments as part of my personal inventory to prevent a relapse into my own alcoholism was a stretch for me and took a while to complete. The intensity around this thinking - the mental energy, lack of sleep, on-going stress and tension - was why alcohol was so appealing to me. My first drink at 15 years old was the first time I ever remember feeling relief. It was a revelation. 

I had a good measure of bravado and pride to pull me through a lot of situations in my life, but making life decisions based on fear left no room for a spiritual, inner life or reflective consciousness to take hold. It wasn’t until I started identifying the ways that trying to control the future was running my life that things began to change in my search to feel calmer and some kind of peace. Coming to understand what was behind those old beliefs about perfection was huge for me. They had formed the basis of my emotional life, and once I was able to recognize their impact in real time, I began to see the limitations that fear was putting on my life. 

I had come to a turning point about fear during my first sober summer home with the kids. I had been sober about 9 months by then and my routine of meetings, coffee with people, meeting with my sponsor was going to change. I was a wreck about it, still not having worked through how to handle fear and anxiety. I had given my kids a perfect-looking, idyllic life and didn’t know how I was going to handle this new life I was creating for myself during the 9 months they had been in school.

So, I had to change things, and with the help of my sober support system, I changed small things in my daily routine to adjust to having them home. We lived in a neighborhood with a lot of kids, so my sober plan was to get a sitter every day to still go to meetings, to take the kids to a local salad bar every day so I could get out of the kitchen, take them to the local amusement part (a lot!), take them to our beach every day, gardening (a lot), and it all worked. 

I stayed sober and busy and had fun watching my kids grow up before my eyes, and every once in a while I would have these spiritual awakenings in moments when I could breathe and see that everything was good. I was handling sobriety. I was surprised to find that by having worked my program, I had enough “insurance” built up that afforded me to be flexible in the ways I was going to keep my sobriety on the front burner. I found I was building courage and self-esteem again by making these smaller changes in my routine that gave me enough good in my day see a way forward through the fears, anxiety and depression that may come along. 

It took action - not the crazy, frenetic, impulsive action of anxiety, but action that included self-care, self-reflection, time with recovering women - not at all what I had pictured sobriety would be like. I was sure my life would blow up when I got sober, but it didn’t. Maintaining my sobriety was going to take a series of small, consistent changes with a willingness to keep going, and by the grace of a Creator that wants only good for me, I was given it. Still am to this day.  

With these new, positive experiences in recovery, I gained perspective on what emotional sobriety is and what it felt like to be balanced on the inside in ways that allowed me to make good decisions and care for myself and my family. I learned that fear is just another emotion - one to be felt and not avoided (that only makes it worse), offered up to the Universe to handle and show me what the lesson is, and then take action - any kind of action - to get the spiritual energy I need to move forward. When I follow that process, my thinking always improves and I get out of the emotional jackpots that used to lead me to more fear and depression. Those feelings can take an awful toll on us. 

I have a friend who says, “Move a muscle, change a thought.” In other words, taking some kind of action when you’re stuck in a negative loop will change your inner life to make room for new thinking. I believe that’s just how we’re made. 

I sincerely hope that if you’re stuck, you find your own process that gets you out of fear and into a life you can live on life’s terms - not one dictated by old beliefs and fears. Get unstuck, my friend - life’s too sweet to stay there.

1/11/22

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."

William James

1/3/22

“You can’t heal the people you love. You can’t make choices for them.You can’t rescue them. You can promise that they won’t journey alone. You can loan them your map, but this trip is theirs.”

From the website, Tiny Buddha

12/26/21

Twelfth Step work helped me to accept my past. It gave me perspective by helping me gain insight into the many ways alcoholism (not just mine) affects our lives. It also gave me compassion for others who had worse consequences than I did, and compassion for myself for the consequences I did have. Twelfth Step work helped me develop an “attitude of gratitude” with a spiritual pay off that allowed me to put my head on my pillow at night with some peace of mind. I could say to myself, “There, but for the grace of HP go I,” and “I was inches and seconds away from traveling the same, awful road they did.” I accept who I am today, and I take responsibility for my actions during my active use and my actions this day in recovery. And I gained this new perspective by giving to someone else what was freely given to me by others in recovery - kindness, encouragement and a willingness to listen to my story of how alcoholism/addiction impacted me and my family. I hope to freely offer that to another alcoholic/addict to my last days alive.

12/20/21

Limitations

I recently pulled out some old journals to read because I have time for such luxuries since I retired. Reading through them, I found that even though I had correctly seen the signs of what might have been wrong or right about a situation I found myself in, I wasn't the person I am today, with the knowledge and self-esteem and confidence I now have. I've found that making those big changes back then would have required every bit of inner strength I have today. Honestly, I just didn't have what it takes back then to see the way ahead. Not really. I was so confused - one of the symptoms of trauma that I think doesn't gets enough focus. I had a lot to work through from growing up in a violent, unstable alcoholic home. I am a different woman today and would NEVER put up with what I did earlier in my life. NO WAY.

And mostly, I've learned by making mistakes - by finding out I crossed a boundary, or lived beyond my means, or expected too much out of someone else, just to name a few. One gift I received in recovery was to find a HP and support system that loves me regardless of my mistakes - that accepts me for who I am. Being around other healthy people in recovery taught me how to accept myself - warts and all - and that has made all the difference in my life. I'm limited. I'm imperfect. And that's a good thing to know. I can let go of things and look forward to tomorrow. A lot can change in one day.

12/18/21

Gifts of the Program

Working the Steps and continuing to work a program can bring about positive changes in family relationships. It may take a long period of reconstruction, but eventually the good days in recovery start to outweigh the bad days of the past, and connections with others often improve. Being disconnected from family members in those cases where wounds have not been healed (for whatever reason), however, can make this time of year especially hard. You might be able to celebrate and get into the fun of the season, but moments of feeling that something is missing, someone is missing, something is off can filter in.

That feeling of loss can be especially poignant around this time of year for me. The real gift I get is from recovery, and that is hope - hope that maybe some day I'll be able to connect with those I miss. And to keep hope alive, I never say never. I don't know what God's got in store for any of us, so I'll just keep doing the next right thing, the next kind thing the best I can, as imperfect as it may be. However that turns out, that's God's will for me that day, and I'll continue to accept what I can't change about it. For me, that keeps hope alive. One day at a time.

12/12/21

Hyper-Independence

I retired 4 years ago and I'm still "detoxing" from busyness and doing everything myself. My old hyper-independence from trauma continues to show up sometimes making it difficult to relax, create art, write or accept help from others. The lesson? Healing takes a commitment despite how my life changes (retirement), how I change (age 67), or how anything in my world changes.

My path to healing trauma became less confusing when I finally realized the signs that it was interfering in real time. Doing that took time and dedication, and today I know what to do to identify it, calm myself and reparent myself so I can continue with my day. I think that instead of getting over it at some point in the future, I must continue to move forward despite the fact that it's part of my reality. What I'm working towards is integration - being one, authentic person who can grow from all of my experiences and all of the effects of alcoholism, codependency and dysfunction in my life. All of it. I can't avoid them, I can't change them, I can't fix a damn thing. I accept it because I'm powerless over it. I find that then, the healing work begins in earnest. When I do that, the way becomes clearer and I become stronger. I'm grateful to have a handle on at least this much of this complicated dynamic in my life - and I’m expecting more lessons by the grace of a HP that continues to provide me with second chances - every day. I’m so grateful for that, too.

12/11/21

Cool lessons from a story in Tiny Buddha today called, “What I’ve Learned Since my Years Feeling Stuck and Unlovable,” by Joseph Binning

1. Good people make bad decisions; that doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes it a bad decision.

2. Forgive easily and often, others and especially yourself. I enjoy an amazing relationship with my mother today. Refer to rule number 1.

3. You are not broken, and therefore do not need “fixing.” You are perfect, just the way you are. Just as Cane pointed out, I was worth loving. And so are you!

4. Life rewards the brave, so be brave. Take a chance, on yourself and others. It would have been extremely easy to sink into a hole and let my life go sideways and blame others for it. Bravery is choosing not to be a victim of your circumstances and instead, proactively create your life.

5. Love yourself first with all your heart and be your own best friend. Those around you will benefit.

6. Just because someone says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. They have the right to an opinion, but you also have the right to choose to not believe it. Life told me I was unlovable. Cane proved them wrong.

7. Happiness is a choice, not a place, thing, moment, or a person. Only you can make you happy.

8. Everything happens for a reason, so figure out why. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.

9. Lastly, and most importantly, OPEN THE DOOR AND SET YOURSELF FREE!

12/8/21

Pass it on

There is such an abundance of anger in the world today…

Amidst the great cruelty of some, however, can emerge something remarkable. With equal and surpassing force can come empathy and love for others. Today, I’m thanking each person who gave me encouragement along my path - using their grace to help me know there is love in the world. And in gratitude I will do someone else a good turn today. I will connect with someone long enough and well enough to pass along the grace that was so freely given to me. And so it goes…on and on.

12/2/21

Resentments

There's a prayer from AA that that helps me a lot. They call it the Resentment Prayer, and I'll paraphrase how I say it: "HP, this is a sick person. How can I be helpful? Keep me from being angry. Thy will be done." Four lines I've held on to for dear life because of the negative loop the resentment keeps running - sometimes like a freight train. I think that with this prayer, I'm replacing the negative with something positive...and honestly, I'm glad it starts out with "This is a sick person." It reminds me that in the least, we're all a little soul sick, and if the person is dealing with addiction, they're dealing with a terrible disease. I hope I have at least some compassion around that, hard as it may be to find at times.

As for the "Thy will be done," at first I thought that was too religious for me, but I still said it out of desperation - the resentments were running my life at one point. Then I found that for me, as time went by, that "thy will be done" was about being in alignment with things, with the Universe, and doing the next kind thing to be done, the next loving thing - just being a good person which is my goal in the end anyway. It's funny now, but I've seen that saying that prayer never changes the other person, but it's changed me. Resentments don't bother me like they used to, and that's amazing. Four lines. Changed my life.

You can find the original resentment prayer on pg. 67 under the chapter, “How it Works,” in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

11/29/21

Being Alone

I like my own company and I can choose to be alone anytime. What this has allowed me to do is become comfortable with creating this inner space - spiritual space - where I can hold pain and not be afraid. I can hold conflict and not want to fix it. I can hold regret and not want to manipulate the truth. I can hold resentment and watch it dissipate enough to let it go, even if just for a while. I have space for these things and many more because in learning to be alone, I have learned not to reach for anything to fill me. I have learned to be, and when I can be in that spot and listen to my inner self, I can do the spiritual work I have been taught to do. I can be healed. 

11/24/21

Here’s a great story for a quick lift. Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

A beautiful reminder for these times, by Elizabeth Gilbert:

“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.

But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom. *'Folks,'* he said, “I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water.”

It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?

Oh, he was serious.

At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.

We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.

But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for? That’s what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.

When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name.

No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river.”

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

11/22/21

And I chose the road marked “Bacon…” (and that has made all the difference!)

There’s a New Yorker cartoon I really like. In the center is an older guy, standing at a crossroads between 2 paths - one looking peaceful, lined with trees into the distance, and the other with a big sign across it that says “BACON.” I love that - the never ending choices for good or bad, right or wrong, even when it comes to bacon.

My path is definitely the one marked “Bacon.” There’s just something about me that will put bumps and boulders in my path by the choices I make. But having lived this long and having practiced a program of recovery, I know I will also have some great lessons and touching moments I could never have predicted that make the bumps seem like spring boards to those beautiful moments. It’s as if the boulders have taught me the lessons I need in order to get to the easy part of the path.

A good question for today might be, “What path am I on and what am I learning lately about the direction I’m taking?”

Take good care and take hope as you travel, friends -

am

11/15/21

A Question

Someone wrote to me today, asking if there was anyone I ever met with alcohol/drug problems who did it without treatment and meetings. This is what I wrote in return. Hope it’s helpful to someone you know:

“I’m a “double winner” - in AA and Al-Anon. I’ve met some people over the years who just stopped and never picked up again. My experience is that they may have used alcohol and drugs as a crutch perhaps for a period in their lives, but that their use hadn’t progressed to causing problems at the levels some addicts/alcoholics reach which requires medical detox, traditionally followed by treatment. I believe the purpose for 30 day treatment is to have a chance to calm your mind and body down, get past detox, learn how to sleep again, eat well, get a good mental health assessment, etc. - really just stabilize. If the person wants to use the time to learn about addiction and how it’s affected their life, then that’s a good place to do it. Treatment longer than 30 days can be helpful for people who’ve had a lot of consequences and need time to sort out family and work relationships, and also take care of any other mental health issues that need addressing. They usually leave there with a solid plan for staying clean and sober. I never met anyone whose disease had progressed to where it messed up their life, relationships, health, self-care, etc., that didn’t need total abstinence from all mind and mood altering substances. And if they’re open to it, the question often becomes, “Why was I fighting this way of life?” I’ve simplified a lot here, but I hope it helps you begin to sort things out. In the end. I’ve found that success stories can be found from people who lead fulfilling lives by taking responsibility for their own feelings, thinking and actions, and who don’t rescue other people they're theirs.

11/3/21

Your self-worth

To know the healing power of the Universe, I didn’t have to try and earn it, bargain for it, or beg for it. I first had to decide to believe that it’s there, available for me to tap into anytime. I needed to decide - and it turns out, re-decide on an on-going basis - that if I turn over to a HP those issues, feelings, thoughts, relationships, etc., that keep me stuck in the negativity of my addiction, the glue that seems to hold me fast it dissolves.

It’s an “inside” decision, part of the “inside job” of recovery, that acknowledges that I can’t “do life” alone; that I need a power for good throughout my day that I may not understand and that I may not see at work in myself, in others or the world about me. I need to surrender the mess to HP and say, “Here - please take this and help me understand what it means because I can’t connect these dots. I’ll leave it with you.” Everyone seems to have their own words or phrases when they talk to their HPs. Listening for that at meetings is one of the most interesting and fulfilling parts of attending meetings for me. 

But, if you’re struggling with self-worth issues, as most newly clean and sober people are, you may ask, “Am I worthy of this kind of help?" 

And the answer is, yes, you are worthy of this kind of help.

You are worthy just because you woke up to a new day. This second chance is a gift - proof that you’re being prompted by the forces for good in your life to keep going, to continue. It seems to be a baked in part of the human package - this need to try again to get it right, this need for hope.

And how do you get worthy? How do you get past the low self-esteem and worry that you don’t fit in? That you’ll get “found out” as the horrible person your “itty bitty shitty committee” often tell you that you are in early recovery? You become worthy by doing worthwhile things and taking actions that are worthwhile - that mean something to you and someone else. Things that make a difference - even a small one. Do enough of those and you will begin to like yourself and to feel as though you’re worth being liked. That feeling just grows and grows when you practice kindness, helpfulness, and loyalty. And your understanding that the Universe isn’t out to get you grows, too. You may find instead that it’s a wonder to behold.

11/1/21

Remembering my Assets

I can still get down on myself. It used to surprise me that my thoughts can still go this way, but over time I learned to accept that the negative thoughts and feelings I have are just a part of being the human I am. It’s just something my mind will often do when I’m feeling confused, scared or worried about something. Somewhere in the mix of those reactions, I often find the old beliefs about myself that tell the same story - I’m not good enough and people will find out, being the main one.

By accepting that this is just something that happens when I process life as a recovering alcoholic, addict, ACA, Al-Anon, Codependent, I found relief. I ceased fighting the idea that I was somehow “doing recovery” wrong because I was struggling with negativity about who I am, where I thought I should be in life, etc. That’s just a part of the package I am, and to go down every rabbit hole that those labels present to me, I learned, is a big waste of time and is futile. Those rabbit holes never seem to end. Sometimes they pull me down further, beckoning me to dig deeper when really all I’m going to find is more pain.

By accepting how my brain works, how my memory morphs, and how my life is made of moments, not completed stories, I have found relief. And in that relief I found renewal - space - to hold the moment that is now; to hold what is and to quit trying to change what was. It has allowed me to see the assets I have in my inventory - something I struggled finding for most of my life.

One of the ways I practice finding the good about me is to list them by using the alphabet, an old Al-Anon tool. So, for “A”, I begin with Anne - something I couldn’t always do. Then for “B,” it’s always my boys, “C” is for Colorado, etc. It wasn’t easy at first and it felt goofy to do, but eventually by practice I found it a good way to ease my negative thoughts enough to keep moving forward. This works for me, and because of that, I found I can trust it. All that…just from finding the good that I have and that I am.

May you find peace today in the trust you are building in your own recovery process.

10/28/21

Things to remember if you’re sensitive to feelings of rejection:

Everyone doesn’t secretly hate you. 

They don’t even know you. And if it feels like the people you’re with don’t get you, they’re not your people. It’s better to be alone and working on yourself for a while than to be stuck with people who you feel insecure and paranoid around. 

People aren’t scrutinizing everything you do. 

Mostly, they’re interested in themselves. Give yourself a break.

You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. 

Besides, you can’t be perfect. No one can. There is no “perfect” anything. Screw perfection. 

Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person. 

They make you human. Even big mistakes. They’re lessons - not testaments to all the mistakes you’ve made in your life. That’s just guilt, and screw guilt, too.

Your intrusive thoughts are lying to you. 

When you notice the negative “loop” of thoughts going round and round in your head, use the “pause.” Stop what you’re doing and find a place to be comfortably alone for a few minutes. Close your eyes and envision the thoughts in your mind as if they’re written on balloons - the very words you’re hearing - and let them float on by, away from you, either stage left or stage right. It doesn’t matter. Repeat until you’re calm, then go do the next right thing for yourself or someone else. Trust this process. It works. 

The people in your life want to be there. 

If they don’t want to be there, it’s up to them to leave. Take them at face value until you know differently, and don’t judge their motives about something from your past. If you can’t shake the feeling that they’re going to reject you, ask them about it. If they care about you, they’ll listen and talk to you about it. It’s your decision from there about what to do with the relationship - not theirs.

10/27/21

In Quarantine
by Kim Stafford

After they furnished us mortality estimates
on a sheet to post in the hall, after they sealed
the doors, after they counted our days of water—
by megaphone from outside the perimeter—after
they locked the gate, and then drove away, after our
desperate questions had exhausted all our tears, after we
looked at each other, first with suspicion of contagion,
then with curiosity, and then with love, someone
found a guitar, remembered a song, and we all
got in a line, laughing arm in arm, and danced.

“In Quarantine” reminded me of the wonder that can happen by simply reading a poem. Her words took me straight to last year and being on lock-down with my husband. While it was harrowing at first, especially for the effect it was having on our children’s lives, we got into a groove and found that we were returning to being the good cooks we always were, the good exercisers we had once been, the lovers of good music we are, and the good friends we once were in our beginning days together, when what mattered most was getting to know each other, with curiosity and love. That was the best part.

10/5/21

“The solution is to become your own loving parent.”

from “The Solution,” The Twelve Steps of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) Workbook

A profound statement, no doubt. When I first heard this at an ACA meeting over 30 years ago, I immediately said to myself, “This is too much - they’re expecting too much.” Despite being desperate for my life to change at the time, I was overwhelmed by what seemed like this huge, immense undertaking. I had tried everything I could to change the way things were in my relationships, my roles, my work, my self…everything. And nothing seemed to work. The truth is, I wanted a quick fix. I wanted magic. I wanted to blink my eyes and see before me the picture of the life I had always dreamed of. I didn’t have a clue about how my life could change. I had been a very self-reliant person for a very long time. Growing up in an alcoholic home will do that to you.

I didn’t know it then, but I was to learn over time that what was being offered to me in Twelve Steps groups was a new way of life - a life of being responsible for myself, for caring for myself and for loving myself. That was to be the focus - my foundation - on my path forward that changed everything. I did become my own loving parent with a lot of help, through pain I thought might kill me some days, through radical changes in perception and through a spiritual revolution in my heart and head. Because I took a chance on digging deep into the old thoughts and feelings that were affecting my daily life, I was able to recognize the moments when what I thought was going on was not what was going on. And that recognition and the subsequent changes I was to make truly did take re-parenting that I was going to have to do myself. I found my inner mother - my older self (she’s still there, aging beautifully) - and she said to me, “If you try this new behavior, I will stay with you. You will not be alone.” And that made all the difference.

9/22/21

Good Karma,

“What is the purpose of my life?” I asked the void.

“What if I told you that you fulfilled it when you took an hour to talk to that kid about his life?” said the voice.

“Or when you paid for that young couple in the restaurant? Or when you saved that dog in traffic? Or when you tied you father’s shoes for him?”

“Your problem is that you equate your purpose with goal-based achievement. The Universe isn’t interested in your achievements…just your heart. When you choose to act out of kindness, compassion and love, you are already aligned with your true purpose.”

“No need to look any further!”

From “Poetry & Every Emotion,” website this date

9/19/21

Other People

Sometimes other people bug me. They just seem to get under my skin. This is not a good thing for a person in recovery like me. I lived a huge part of my life convinced that it was other people who made me drink to calm myself down. Needless to say, I had a lot to learn about how backward and twisted that kind of thinking was.

Today, I have the wisdom to know the difference between where I “end” and where other people “begin.” In other words, I don’t see what other people do or what they’re saying as being a reflection of me. Where people are in their own growth as humans represents them - not me. My choice when they are difficult to be around is to leave the situation. I can always excuse myself and leave the room. I might come back in a bit to re-start. I might take a “time out” to find myself again, but I can always change what’s going on my leaving.

When I can return to a place in my mind where I can just observe what’s really going on instead of getting caught up and overreacting emotionally, I have a much better experience with other people. I don’t have to take things personally.

On this day, I commit to staying curious - about people, places and things. When I do this, I can see the simple beauty that is all around me and life is more than good - it’s amazing.

9/11/21

"The city, for the first time in its long history, is destructible. A single flight of planes no bigger than a wedge of geese can quickly end this island fantasy, burn the towers, crumble the bridges, turn the underground passages into lethal chambers, cremate the millions. The intimation of mortality is part of New York now; in the sounds of jets overhead, in the black headlines of the latest editions. All dwellers in cities must live with the stubborn fact of annihilation; in New York the fact is somewhat more concentrated because of the concentration of the city itself, and because, of all targets, New York has a certain clear priority. In the mind of whatever perverted dreamer might loose the lightning, New York must hold a steady, irresistible charm."

From “This is New York,” a book by E.B. White, published in 1949

I wanted to live in New York City for just about my whole life. It held a crazy hope that a dreamer like me needed in order to make it in the world as an artist. I wanted to sing for a living, and I wanted to continue on the road I had begun in Cleveland to that end when I was 20 years old. The place I wanted to succeed was in New York. I had heard it said that you either had to go to L.A. or New York to make it as a performer, and since I had always loved what New York represented - the new Americans, the scrappers who knew how to use a second chance - choosing New York was easy. The way my future evolved, however, did not hold what it takes to make such a move. I never had the proper training, the resume, the resources, the seed money, the connections - none of what it takes to make a start in such an endeavor. In hindsight, all these years later, I can see that what I truly lacked to pull it off was courage. Bravado, I had. I continued to play it small right where I was, ever the dreamer, but slowly over time, I was the regretter, too - the fire of it burning my insides, tamped down by alcohol, drugs, relationships, work, then a house, children, moving…

Reading E.B. White, I remember being surprised to find that he considered New York to be vulnerable, to be “destructible,” way back in l949. He knew that by putting itself out there - with towers, bridges and subways - New York became a target for those forces of evil we can’t control - the darkness we are powerless over. Today, I find myself wishing I had put myself out there like New York - sticking it out, finding my way, believing in myself. I might have been attacked here and there; might have been hurt mercilessly. But if letting myself be vulnerable and surviving with my dignity in tact is anything like the survival of the powerhouse that New York City is, I believe I might have done all right.

So, I am left to say good night, New York, on this day of all sad days. Good night. Thank you for the daydreams, the longing, the wishing, because that’s also part of what made me a good, respected person who made a difference in the lives of some people. I’m saying good night, my friends, with a dream of the second chance I hope the good old Universe gives me and gives you once more, in a different time, on a different plane of existence, a different age. Oh, I hope. Good night.

9/4/21

Spiritual Solutions

Sometimes I unwittingly dig deeper into an emotional wound to try to get relief from it. Not a good idea. To look for answers to a problem in the problem itself is how alcoholism can still work on me and wear me down. I’ve come to believe that for me sometimes the intensity of these emotional wounds is triggered by an old core belief (one of many) that is chiseled deeply into the recesses of my mind that says, “If it’s intense, it must be true; it must be important.” I can misread a situation, person or thing simply because of the intensity of the feeling attached to it. It’s as if my rational mind gets hijacked by the extreme strength of the feeling that goes with it.

If I dig into the pain itself with continued self-hatred, self-criticism and maudlin memories, I just get more pain and the eventual outcome is no resolution at all, but instead, just more pain, giving energy to another old core belief that God is a tyrant that I will never please, the one who knows I’m still wrong, still a bad person and still deserving of the pain - maybe even more. When I’m caught with those thoughts is when I usually “get the bat,” I usually say, so that I can do a really good job at self-destruction.

…but…

If my approach can be to take a step back and detach - even just a bit - from the pain long enough to see in my mind’s eye what’s really happening in the present moment, I seem to find I have “a new pair of glasses,” that the recovery literature talks about. I can then do a “spot inventory” and review if I’m being selfish, dishonest, resentful or fearful. If I’m unclear, I talk to someone who knows me and can help me get to the bottom of it. When I feel clearer about those four things, then I let it go, having done all I could at the moment. The spiritual solution continues as I “stop, look and listen” for the lesson the situation holds as I move ahead in my day. Sometimes an answer about the situation will circle back to me later and I’ll get the connection. I can’t be more grateful for those moments. They are spiritual awakenings to me. Then other times, having let go of it, it’ll be gone for good. 

It’s amazing how this process works for me. It took honesty, trust and practice for it to become a trusted recovery tool. I had to be honest about my lack of ability to change what I can’t and trust in the HP that can handle whatever I throw Her way. It changed me. Still does. All these gifts from not drinking and growing with other people who also needed to stop and wanted to find solutions to their thinking and feeling problems. They have continued to share them with me for over 30 years now. Free of charge. 

It’s never too late to work on your own process. Restart if you must. Just don’t give up. Be committed to never giving up. No matter what. Solutions await - not necessarily in a magic trick, but in a new way of life - a life that has room for doubts and seeking and mystery as well as discipline and practice. 

May you find peace at the end of this day. May you find your process to get there, and may you you share your story of healing with someone else. That completes the circle and makes you stronger for the next conflict that comes along. Thank you for letting me complete mine once again - just for today. 

8/29/21

“Make a friend with solitude if you want to be a writer,” words of wisdom from James Taylor

What a challenge! These days it seems I barely have a handle on sitting quietly for a 10 minute meditation let alone finding something like solitude. So, it remains my wish. I have known the grace of a clear vision that comes from quietly sitting and letting go. It is in those moments where I am lucky to touch my true self and those are the times when a story I’m working on flows right out of me or a poem I’m kicking around finds a home in my heart and mind.

I believe that what James says is true. I imagine him working alone in his studio, probably in Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard - someplace really cool. I imagine that a combination of discipline and a creative process unique to him keeps him there for hours. And I imagine that the amazing music we get to enjoy are the fruits of labor from his true self, “ringin’ like a bell.”

Thanks, James.

8/26/21

Reaching Out

I recently had a reminder of what depression can feel like. I was on a zoom AA meeting, and a person commented that they were depressed; they were isolating and could barely get on the meeting that day. The next comment was from someone who said, “Just reach out and call someone. Call me.” That exchange didn’t land well with me and it got me thinking.

I was reminded of a time when I was very depressed and the difficulty I experienced with taking any kind of action that would get me out of it, like calling someone. Subsequently, it got bad enough and in a few moments of grace and clarity, I had a vision of where I was headed if I didn’t ask for help. The phone call I made to a friend in recovery whom I trusted and the follow up call for help to a therapist got me on the path to wellness I’m still on today, almost 30 years later. Getting that help was the first step I took on a path of emotional sobriety - beyond the “don’t drink, go to meetings, and pray” I had learned to use in order to stay sober 24 hours at a time.

I was to learn that the depression I was experiencing was the source of my isolation, my feelings of hopelessness and the negative loops that seemed to play non-stop in my brain. Sorting out my recovery story over time allowed me to understand the connection between my addiction and the way my brain was working. I eventually became aware that my depression also had a partner - anxiety. They went hand in hand for me. As a result of the therapy I received and the stories I heard in meetings, I was able to see that I had this hyper-sensitivity to the depression - a super awareness - in moments that were the source of my anxiety. It was as if I had a little freaked out, worn out part of my brain that said, “YOU’RE GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN!!! STOP IT!!” From there, it was easy to see that using drugs and alcohol to “calm me down,” as I used to say, was a solution from my stress and desperation. I told myself that they helped me.

It took about a year of sobriety and becoming overwhelmed with the effects of depression and anxiety for me to reach out for professional help. I had a lot to sort out from my childhood and my own recovery story. For a few years during that time, I took an anti-depressant that helped temper my symptoms and give me a sort of level playing field with my feelings and thinking to where I could apply new ideas and start new behaviors. Eventually, I felt balanced enough to stop the more intense parts of treating the depression, and I went down to fewer and fewer therapy sessions and was able to stop the medication for good. It was as if I learned how to be happy. I learned how to stay on that path of emotional sobriety which is still my goal for today - one day at a time.

Today, I reach out to people who share about their depression and anxiety and then don’t show up at a meeting again. I want to always remember how difficult it was to reach out for help when I was depressed. A quick phone call or text to someone who is struggling can mean all the difference in the world between a good day or bad one.

This is the beauty of recovery. We get to use our darkest times to help someone else. I don’t know of another place that allows for connecting with others like this. It turns hopelessness into the idea that maybe I can change. It turns hopelessness into a second chance. And it turns hopelessness into renewal - one day at a time.

8/20/21

What I’m learning lately - 

In the “committee” in my mind I found a self-righteous little bugger who knows nothing of forgiveness or making things right; nothing about balance and only about judgement, criticism and bullying. It likes to scare me into behaving as it thinks I should. It’s all ego in the worst sense of it - at a 10 on a scale of 1-10 for measuring the need for intense control of their surroundings and others.

This self-righteousness I can have at times against myself mocks me in the reminders of shameful things I’ve done and said. I see it as the NY critic I read about recently who stated that an actress she knew was “a walking advertisement for cunnilingus.” So mean…evil, really, with no accounting to anyone else. Evil mocking, righteousness, arrogance…but with a wildness to it, with an enjoyment actually, like the weird pleasure of snubbing out a cigarette on something beautiful, but x 10. And like something wild, it is unpredictable, shocking. I’ve seen the delight on the faces of abusers. It’s the same thing, but at a 10, it’s more like character assassination.

If you practice recovery long enough, you get to meet other characters in your committee. For me, I finally learned the ways the different messages I give to myself can hurt me or can save me. I eventually saw that responsibility for handling those messages was up to me - that no one was going to rescue me from myself. Everyone is too busy handling their own shit. I learned to listen to myself because avoiding the whole of myself, whether through addiction or distraction or flat out denial only creates more of the same problems. And in that practice I found the greatest gift. I found how to sooth myself, how to reason with what is, how to discern what I can and cannot change. I learned to re-parent myself.

The relief I have earned through practice of 12 Step principles and living a spiritual way of life has given me the space to calm myself - something I was never able to achieve on my own before recovery. By naming this character in my “committee”, and doing intense work to heal it, I can open the door to relief and love in a more complete way, on a more complete canvass…and it’s magnificent.

Thanks, Universe.  I love this lesson.

August 14, 2021

“I’m slowly learning…,” from thoughtcatalog.com, by Rania Rain

“I’m slowly learning that even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead. Work on yourself and your inner peace and you’’ll come to realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers you is the first ingredient to living a happy and healthy life.”

August 13, 2021

“I’ve had a lifetime to refine my fears”… Heard at coffee with friends

Today, I understand fear to be the thief it truly is, robbing me of the simple beauty to be found in a passing moment, or the sweetness of a fond memory. Today, I understand that fear sits in my stomach and chest, grabbing my breath in bitterness at times, consuming my thoughts at other times. Today, I find fear in my need to control, in my impulsiveness, my judgement of self and others, my anger at self and others.

When I am out of touch with my true self, fear morphs itself with the desperation to be different, to escape, to run away, the anguish of it all being relentless. Yes, it’s a thief, grabbing whatever in can as it runs through me - leaving only the emptiness of the lie that whatever I have right now won’t be enough. That I am not enough. Not good enough. That I need more - must have more…

Yes, it’s a thief that I have learned must be faced, head on, its existence acknowledged, it’s irrationality listened to. I have come to realize that a certain strain of fear and anxiety it seems I was born with - is generational, really - must be listened to and reasoned with. I’m so grateful that with willingness, it can be reasoned with and soothed and calmed.

This approach to self-soothing may seem odd - this personification of fear. But I have found that every time I’m out of sorts with myself, fear will remind me that I need self-care, and to apply the love to myself by first facing it works every time to start that self-care process over again. Every time I am willing.

Today, I will be aware of my fears and work them through to their end. Once they are processed, I will find my courage to change the things I can has been renewed, readying me for the next time I forget who and what I am.

August 2, 2021

Jeff and I have been making plans to go to NYC in October to see some shows, and up came this poem, “October,” this morning, connecting to that idea…and also connecting to how I experience the painful letting go of motherhood. I am so grateful to the talented poets I have come to know through The Writer’s Almanac, Poetry Magazine and individual poems I have collected for myself over the years. How lucky I am and how lucky I am to be able to share this with you today. Enjoy!

October
by Marie Howe

The first cold morning, the little pumpkins lined up at the corner market, and
the girl walks along Hudson Street to school and doesn’t look back.

The old sorrow blows in with the scent of wood smoke
as I walk up the five flights to our apartment and lean hard against

the broken dishwasher so it will run. Then it comes to me: Yes I’ll die,
so will everyone, so has everyone. It’s what we have in common.

And for a moment, the sorrow ceased, and I saw that it hadn’t been sorrow
after all, but loneliness, and for a few moments, it was gone.

July 27, 2021

The experience of reading and re-reading this poem, by Clint Smith, is one of the reasons I love poetry. I savor a good poem for a while then file it away for a time such as this morning presents. This is one of those poems where to suggest that the reader I pass it along to should enjoy it seems out of sync with it’s meaning, yet I’m suggesting just that. Enjoy the place of honesty, humility and acceptance it can take you to. It’s a wonder.

When people say, “we have made it through worse before”

Clint Smith

all I hear is the wind slapping against the gravestones
of those who did not make it, those who did not
survive to see the confetti fall from the sky, those who

did not live to watch the parade roll down the street.
I have grown accustomed to a lifetime of aphorisms
meant to assuage my fears, pithy sayings meant to

convey that everything ends up fine in the end. There is no
solace in rearranging language to make a different word
tell the same lie. Sometimes the moral arc of the universe

does not bend in a direction that will comfort us.
Sometimes it bends in ways we don't expect & there are
people who fall off in the process. Please, dear reader,

do not say I am hopeless, I believe there is a better future
to fight for, I simply accept the possibility that I may not
live to see it. I have grown weary of telling myself lies

that I might one day begin to believe. We are not all left
standing after the war has ended. Some of us have
become ghosts by the time the dust has settled.

July 22, 2021

“I knew what to do. I just hadn’t let go yet.”

Heard at coffee with friends

Learning to let go is a lesson I hear that most of us usually have to learn over and over again. When I first started using this spiritual exercise, I thought I needed to know exactly what I was letting go of and exactly what I was handing it off to. It turns out, that was just another level of control. By trying to get the practice of letting go “just right,” I was only practicing ways to have tighter control. My perfectionism was showing up in the pressure I put on myself to define and frame the problem I was having and to understand how the Universe was going to work when I eventually did let go. That perfectionism wears many masks and has many layers, I find.

When I learned that what I needed to do was accept that I was stumped, confused, overwhelmed, against the wall, stopped in my tracks, at the end of my rope, etc., in any given moment, about anything, then letting go got easier. First, I had to become aware of that “oh, yeah” moment, realizing that I was powerless over the person, place or thing or situation in my lane at any given moment. When I put my dukes down and ceased fighting whatever may have been in my way, then the Universe had a chance to make a way out of what my limited vision saw as no way. And though I may not have known the right road to travel, as Thomas Merton said, I came to believe that HP would guide me along the right road - the one that held more lessons, more challenges, maybe more pain, but more love and compassion, too - for myself and others. It was a way that pulled me forward into the flow of life.

Like the Serenity Prayer lays out, if I can find that serenity - that moment of “oh, yeah” - then the courage I already have comes alive and gives me the personal power I need to keep moving forward, and somewhere along the road, I will realize that I have been given the wisdom to know the difference. The choices I make from that there are much more in alignment with my true nature and world around me. I am no longer alone.

July 20, 2021

Excerpt from Hazelden website for this date, “Today’s Gift”

It is quite possible to waste a lot of time and energy trying to make impossible changes. Many of us, inspired by the dynamics of the program and driven more by enthusiasm than prudence, strike out on missions that cannot be accomplished—missions we cannot win and should never undertake.

Turning back the clock is one of these. It can’t be done. Controlling someone else’s behavior is another. We can set the stage for the desired behavior, encourage it, and improve the odds by getting out of the way—but we don’t have it in our bag of tricks to make people think, feel, or do any one thing.

The program addresses the art of the possible. The only options we have are the options that are available to us. If our former partners don’t want to reconcile with us, that’s not an available option. A happily-ever-after marriage is not possible if we have yet to learn how to have a healthy relationship. Instead, we can focus on acquiring these people skills by building on our own possibilities.

Today, I will examine my range of available choices.

July 8, 2021

From the AA Grapevine Daily Post for this date.

“My soul remained a mystery until my Higher Power settled inside me, appearing to me as a very real feeling of love and caring. Kindness slowly took precedence, and I became comfortable with the idea that I didn’t need a drink.”

July 6, 2021

An excerpt from a short story I’m working on…

My sister, Tess, now gone for 3 years after dying of alcoholism, used to like to go to the Cleveland Indians baseball games alone as a sort of drunk singles date. She liked taking the city bus to get there. This was when she was well into her 40s. She was one of the 7 kids of Alexander and Marguerite, like me. She had several nieces and nephews, some friends. And she was married to Carl, so, it’s not like she had no one else to invite along. She wanted to go alone. That way, she could drink without the worried looks and judgement from people she knew. I guess the judgement of people she didn’t know didn’t matter to her - the others who saw her publicly drunk, slurring her words, yelling at the baseball players, even yelling at the bus driver. The insular world - the bubble - in which she walked around must have prevented her from noticing the looks she surely got from others. Denial is a powerful thing. 

When she told me about the way she acted on these excursions she laughed about the whole thing as if she had a blast, as if she couldn’t wait to do it again, and as if I was crazy for not seeing that. Looking back and knowing myself today as I do, I can see there was no way that she didn’t see the look of concern and surprise on my face when she told me about it. The truth is, I was shocked that it had come to this kind of behavior, that she was alone and oblivious to the danger she put herself in, and unaware of the degrading way she was treating herself.

I was reminded of her baseball game story the time I watched the movie “Grizzly Man,” and heard one of the park service employees say that the reason Timothy Treadwell lasted as long as he did, living among the wild grizzlies, was probably because they thought he was sick and was to be avoided - that he was dangerous in some way unfamiliar to them. I imagined that people who found themselves in the company of my drunk sister likely avoided her as well, sensing the sickness and danger she brought with her. 

July 2, 2021

From Garrison Keillor’s “The Writer’s Almanac, Friday, July 2, 2021”

Today is the birthday of Hermann Hesse, born in Calw, Germany, in 1877. In 1911 he took a trip to India and started studying Eastern religions and ancient Hindu and Chinese cultures. His travels inspired his novel Siddhartha, about the early life of Gautama Buddha. It became popular among the counterculture movement of the 1960s, more than 40 years after it was published.

He said, "The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment, every sin already carries grace in it."

June 25, 2021

The love that you withhold is the pain you carry. Ralph Waldo Emerson

June 17, 2021

Such sweet words, had to post…thank you Garrison Keillor and The Writer’s Almanac.

Spelling Bee
by Faith Shearin

In the spelling bee my daughter wore a good
brown dress and kept her hands folded.
There were twelve children speaking

into a microphone that was taller than
they were. Each time it was her turn
I could barely look. It wasn't that I wanted

her to win but I hoped she would be
happy with herself. The words were too hard
for me; I would have missed chemical,

thermos, and dessert. Each time she spelled
one correctly my heart became a bird.
She once fluttered so restlessly beneath

my skin and, on the morning of her arrival,
her little red hands held nothing.
Her life since has been a surprise: she can

sew; she can draw; she can read. She hates
raisins but loves science. All the parents
must feel this, watching from the cheap

folding chairs. Somewhere inside them
love took shape and now
it stands at the microphone, spelling.

June 15, 2021

Meditation

Some good comments I’ve heard about meditation over the years:

Meditation is a higher spiritual awareness. I practice remembering that every action can serve a spiritual purpose.

I go to a quiet place, close my eyes and repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over to myself in a gentle voice.

I need to get beyond my thoughts, I so I concentrate on my breathing, counting to 4 on the intake, and 4 as I breathe out.

I step back in my mind and watch my thoughts as if I were watching a play and they were moving across the stage, from stage left to stage right. I detach from them as they move away. That helps me stay in the present.

I focus on a flower. When my thoughts stray, I accept that my mind is just doing its job - thinking - and then gently return to my subject.

I lift my hands palms up and imagine I am lifting my troubles up to the Universe to handle. I lift up my gratitude, too - and sometimes I imagine my whole self being lifted up, floating on a cloud.

May you find a quiet half hour today to settle your mind and just be in the moment. Deep breaths…

June 10, 2021

Aging

It doesn’t take much sometimes: a word of encouragement, a smile, warm touch of the hand to feel a part of something bigger than myself, “these temples we build with each other.”

As I age, the challenge, I see clearly these days.  It will be to stay connected to people despite losing my physical strength, despite pain, and it’s the little things that can keep me connected to the interesting, curious, intelligent, amazing people in my life. That is how I will continue to feel a part of something, like I belong, like I can help someone else.

It ain’t for sissies. You have to know yourself and not be a victim.

And mostly, I think, remember that nothing is permanent - it all changes:

people

attitudes

politics

feelings

thoughts

opinions

money

memories

plans

relationships

Today, I’m grateful for the connections I have with the people in my life. They keep me young at heart. They keep me going and curious about the world we share. Life is good right now, in this moment, no matter what my age may be!

June 8, 2021

Today, a prayer by Thomas Merton. One I have at times clung to for dear life, and other times flown like a kite.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going.

I cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do I really know myself.

And the fact that I may think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you, and I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.  I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.  Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my struggles alone.

Amen

June 6, 2021

“You are good enough. Actually, you’re probably over-qualified, but let’s start the day off humble.”

I read this post from one of my FB women’s groups and got a good chuckle. Reading something at random like this and getting an inside connection to a different flow than where I was is what sharing creativity is all about for me. Everyone has that energy - the spark of the divine - and I’m grateful to be able to tap into mine and share it with you today. I hope you have a good one.

Anne

May 27, 2021

“We let go absolutely…,”

from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58

Letting go of a person, place, thing or situation can take a long time when you know how to endure emotional pain.  Using endurance as a survival skill can be a complex web to untangle when we begin the path of emotional sobriety.  We’ve learned how to tolerate the intolerable - in relationships, work, in ourselves, our behaviors. Somehow, being loyal to old, irrational beliefs about what it takes to be a good person can seem imperative, and the ways our thoughts, feelings and behaviors can twist and turn to support those beliefs can be overwhelming to address. It can feel like it’s too much, too big and too painful to handle. 

Holding on to old beliefs locks us into a narrow path forward that can easily get clogged with expectations, judgments and all the character defenses that go with addiction. Then we’re stuck in place by the weight of whatever or whoever it is that we’re holding onto. Self-pity is usually a part in that process as well, opening the door to obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. We might not consider using drugs or alcohol in a given moment, but we may be experiencing all the same reactions to life on life’s terms that we did when we were. When that’s going on, recovery can look bleak. We can feel miserable. 

If your brain is like mine, I learned early in my recovery journey that the use of metaphors was going to be the key to change and emotional sobriety - beyond not drinking. I need visual images to help me understand the work at hand, whether drilling down on what may be the cause or condition behind my avoidance of something or whether it’s to just be in the moment. I have learned to let my imagination run wild with a picture that comes to mind and helps me gain perspective on what may be going on for me in those moments where an old belief comes roaring into the present moment with twists and turns that are difficult to navigate. 

One of the visualizations I like to use is seeing myself standing on the edge of a cliff - arms out like wings, toes to the edge, looking up to sky, taking a big breath and finally pushing off. What makes this so powerful is that I know that no harm will come to me - that I will fly just for the pure enjoyment of flying. It brings me the amazing feeling of freedom I have sought by trying to figure things out through the lens of old beliefs. I came to see that trying to figure things out on my own was only going to get me a few feet from the edge. By stepping off, the weight of what I had been holding onto is gone - radically. Gone. Not forever, but for my good, and for that moment. And that practice has made all the difference some days. And utlimately in my life.

Today I will set aside time to practice letting go of something that I know is holding me back. I will make room for a new thought to take hold in my mind as I continue developing the emotional sobriety I desire in my life.

May 24, 2021

A poet’s life

Jane Kenyon was a great American poet whose birthday was on this date. She said, “Be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Work regular hours.”

Sounds like a great life. She died at 47 - too young, and today I will honor that early death by taking her recommendations for a fulfilling life. I’m getting ready for my walk now…

May 23, 2021

Being a Victim

We all have core beliefs. They’re what was use to navigate life and determine what’s safe, what we should run from, who we can trust, etc. Most are from childhood and most of them, by the time we’re adolescents, are so much a part of our thinking it’s as if they’re written in stone.

If one of your beliefs is that life is hard and full of suffering, it’s very easy to approach the day with the identity of a victim of life, even a martyr, where things are out of your control and must be endured. Yet, we still want companionship, connection and love. So how do relationships evolve when victimhood is a feature?

We use each problem that comes our way to prove to someone else that we need attention or help. That is at the core of codependency.  It keeps us in relationships that loop from intense crises to exhaustion and break up. The intensity of the pain that comes with these cycles - the high of being in love followed by the low of rejection - can make it seem so very real and important, when actually it’s based on beliefs from a part of your life when survival from the chaos of dysfunction was very real and necessary.

What we learn in recovery is that life doesn’t have to be so difficult.  If we can live for 24 hours at a time taking responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions - without blame of anyone else and with a kernel of hope that we can change - then life can be much better.  We can go with the flow of things instead of fighting against the current of what is.  We don't have to live off the energy, chaos and confusion of the past.  

Odd though it may seem, the past that we carry around with us in codependent relationships eventually gets sorted out when we take care of our side of the street, and only ours.  The healthy focus we learn from just living fully this day, with the courage and wisdom of the adults we are, teaches us that we are capable of soothing ourselves in moments of emotional turmoil. And if you can learn to sooth yourself, you’re on your way to being able to eliminate the narratives and core beliefs that can still cause problems in your life. You learn that the past is just what happened to you. It doesn’t have to define who you are this day.

Practice. Practice. Practice. Learning how to sooth the victim inside during difficult times can be the key to more fulfilling relationships and less drama. The troubles we may be having at this time are part of what it is to be a human. We all have downs, but we also have ups. It’s a package deal. 

Today, I will remember that life holds both good moments and difficult moments, and what I choose to focus on determines my attitude and how I present to other people. Today I choose to be positive. Something has to change about my victimhood that I have worn as a badge of honor, and the change, for today, is going to be me.

May 19, 2021

Processing Fear

Fear has denied me a lot in life.  Fear denied me the chance to enjoy my present surroundings and relationships.  Fear led me to believe that upsetting experiences from my past would recur so I had to try and control the future.  It limited my thoughts and actions like a chain attached to my body, dragging me down with its weight.  In effect, it has stood between me and the serenity and peace of mind I have always sought.  Today, I know how to replace fear as the controlling force of my life by letting things by “handing them off” to the Universe to be done with it whatever may be done. I don’t get to choose that part of life. Life’s too unpredictable and trying to figure out what will happen next is exhausting. Letting go is the action part of having faith.  Today, I can detach from the entanglements and attachments of the things that I can’t change in my life and replace that space in my soul with the faith that I'll be able to handle whatever comes along. I know this from my experience as a sober, strong and grateful woman.  And that means everything.

Today, I’ll practice awareness of the emotional twists and turns that may block me from moving forward with my endeavors. I’ll hand them off to the HP of my understanding and trust that I’ll learn whatever it is I’m supposed to from them. I’ll trust the process.

May 15, 2021

Personal Power

You don’t realize your personal power by running interference first, to see when/if you’ll need it, then pull it out of thin air and expect to use it automatically. You get it after you let go of everything else, and that takes practice. The self-doubt, guilt, shame, feeling out of control - all of it has to be dropped like a rock that’s weighing you down. The good thing is that you just need to do it one rock at a time, one day at a time, as you notice it. Over and over again. Eventually, you find yourself - your true nature. You find the strength and courage that have always been there to get the big things done and the commitment and resilience to get the small things done before they build into big things.  Eventually, you find out who you are - who you were meant to be - and your personal power shines through. You become your own hero in the moments of calamity or pressure from someone else. 

Today, I will practice shifting the negative to the positive in all I do. Practice, practice, practice.

May 11, 2021

Aging

It doesn’t take much sometimes: a word of encouragement, a smile, warm touch of the hand to feel a part of something bigger than myself, “these temples we build with each other.”

As I age, the challenge, I see clearly these days.  It will be to stay connected to people despite losing my physical strength, despite pain.  That is how I will continue to feel a part of something, like I belong, like I can help someone else.

It ain’t for sissies. You have to know yourself and not be a victim.

And mostly, I think, remember that nothing is permanent - it all changes:

people

attitudes

politics

feelings

thoughts

opinions

money

memories

plans

relationships

Today I’m grateful for the connections I have with the people in my life. They keep me young at heart. They keep me going and curious about the world we share. Life is good right now, no matter what my age may be!

May 7, 2021

Fear

Fear has denied me a lot in life.  Fear denied me the chance to enjoy my present surroundings and relationships.  Fear led me to believe that upsetting experiences from my past would recur so I had to try and control the future.  It limited my thoughts and actions like a chain attached to my body, dragging me down with its weight.  In effect, it has stood between me and the serenity and peace of mind I have always sought.  

Today, I'm learning to replace fear as the controlling force of my life.  I'm learning to let it go.  Letting go is the action part of having faith.  Today, I will replace fear with the faith that I'll be able to handle however it is that things unfold in my day, in my life - come what may.  I am sober - emotionally, spiritually and physically.  And that means everything.  

May 3, 2021

“All my past will this day be a part of me, because it is the key, not the lock…”

From Daily Reflections, May 2

These are poignant words for me today as I realize a milestone in my life, one that came about simply by the grace of a Higher Power much greater than me. I am feeling so fortunate today to have my recovery story included along with those of a group of amazing mothers in recovery in a project published by April O’Leary of O’Leary Publishing. The book is called Sober Moms, Happy Moms. It’s also amazing to me that one of my poems, Mother Grief, is being included as well. You can pre-order a copy through the following link:

https://www.olearypublishing.com/sobermoms

April 23, 2021

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists…,” heard over coffee with friends.

Hi Friends! This will be just a short check in as I’m working to get this website active again. I’m going to keep all of the written entries I’ve done since the beginning for my own reading from time to time. If you get a chance to browse, I hope you find some inspiration there. I know that when I read my own writing, I get inspired seeing how much I’ve changed or I get the spark of a new idea. Then there are those times the “terrorist” member of my inner committee calls a group meeting in the conference room in my head to discuss my poor performance, and the shame balls start flying at a frightening speed. I’m very familiar with this lingering, still frightening voice from my past that likes to pound the table and demand attention, telling me that I’m basically not worthy of anything… you may know that drill, too. This morning, I heard that terrorist loud and clear and as those fast balls were flying toward my head, I simply stepped aside and let them go on by. I will not negotiate with terrorists! Then I refocused on the business at hand, leaving any insights or dots to connect about that in the hands of HP. Upon reflection, later on today as I close up shop and detach from what was this day, I may understand what that was all about. I may not. What I’ve come to trust is that I will when I need to. I will know myself better in some way. I think that’s pretty cool. I think that’s emotional sobriety and I’m so grateful for it. Take care, dear ones. I’ll connect again soon - a.❤️